hurtful phone call and a biopsy

I have a large cluster of cysts under my left breast and got much bigger once I started crossfit.  I'm guessing because of the irritation of the sports bras.  Anyway I had some a few years ago and had them surgically removed about 1 1/2 yrs ago.  Unfortunately they've come back with a vengeance.  They are incredibly tender and hurt ALL the time.  My husband and I cannot afford health insurance but we do have a family Dr. who we pay a couple hundred dollars a month to and in turn we can see him as many times as we want at no charge.  He can do basic minor surgeries, cast a broken bone, and do many things that most general practitioners can't do.  He's the Dr. that removed my cysts the first time.  ANYWAY I went to see him a couple weeks ago about these new ones and he said that he couldn't do the surgery because it was too big and now there was too much scar tissue for him to remove them safely in the office.  He found a surgeon who was willing to help me at a discount and I went to see him yesterday. 

He said that  in order to treat the cysts properly he needed to do a biopsy on a couple of them and send them off to a lab.  That way he'll know exactly what he's dealing with and how to properly fix the problem. 

So I agree to have him do the biopsy right then so we could get the ball rolling.  I had NO idea it was going to be that painful or bloody!  Now the biopsies I've heard of involved a long slender needle being injected and a small amount of fluid/tissue would be extracted.  Since my cysts are not filled with fluid he had to use a biopsy plug. 

 

 

 

That is a tortue device if ever there was one.  OUCH to the mother freaking 10th degree!  He had to take two tissue samples and blood literally was pouring down the left side of my body.   My heart was beating a million miles a minute and felt like it was going to explode out of my chest.  I'm nervous to hear what we find out.  He did say that to do surgery would cost me at least $5000 and the biopsy alone was $500.  FUDGE!  I hate never having enough money. 

 

 

So needless to say today I'm sore, grouchy and feeling uber depressed.  I got a phone call this morning from the secretary of our family Dr.  She said it was time for me to come in and get an updated tetanus shot,check my cholesterol levels, and to see if I've done anything about being morbidly obese.  Then she gave me a lecture about how being obese increases the odds of developing diabetes.  As soon as I got off the phone I just burst into tears.  I feel like I've been working my tail off at changing my eating and exercising.  She just came across as completely uncompassionate and rude. 

 

I'm almost 10 months into crossfit and today I just felt like a big fat failure.  Am I ever going to get my body in shape?  Will my hard work ever pay off? 

 

To top off  the fun times, my husband starts his night job next week.  I'm scared of my life being ripped apart at the seams.  My health, financial, marriage, etc. 

 

 

Here's hoping for something positive to happen.  I don't know how much more of this I can take.

So many things!!

I'm still alive and ashamed to say that I'm a crappy blogger.  I know it's cliché to say I've been busy, but dammit, I have been!  With Christmas over, life has started getting back in a normal routine, which I'm extremely thankful for. 

A quick recap, I've been going to all my scheduled crossfit classes, exercise at home on the days I don't crossfit and have been eating 100% paleo.  Like seriously not one bite of anything nonpaleo.  Let me just say I feel GREAT!  I have more stamina , I'm sleeping better, my mood is better, and just in the last week I've lost 3 inches from my belly.  WOOT!  Mentally I feel totally "in the game". 

Here is a picture Meagan took a couple weeks ago of me doing some back squats.

I saw her pull out the camera and I immediately wanted to hide in the bathroom.  I wish I didn't critique myself so much, but I do.  It's really something I need to work harder at NOT doing.  I saw this picture and all I could see what a fat pudgy belly, fat pudgy legs, and my torso wasn't as upright as it's supposed to be during back squats.    Now if I turn off the negative voice in my head I can look at this picture and say that my ass was below my knees, which is what we strive for, the weight isn't bad and damn, I'm doing something I never thought I'd do in my wildest dreams. 

My form will continue to improve, the weight load will get heavier because I'll get stronger and that's that. 

My crossfit is currently running a Paleo challenge.  We earn points for working out, doing mobility exercises, and posting daily recipes on facebook.  We have to deduct points for cheating.  We also have to take before and after photos as well as thigh and belly before and after measurements.  I am 100% in the mindset that I'm going to win.  I'm doing everything in my power, every single day, to earn that chance to win.  I feel in my heart I want it more than anyone else and I tell anyone that will listen to me that I will be the big winner.  I'm 10 days in and feel awesome!  Our last day is Valentines day.  Woohoo! 

I will try to get better at blogging.  I promise.  =)

1 week till Paleo Challenge kick off

I'm super excited for this coming Paleo challenge at our Crossfit.  It starts Jan. 6th and runs for 6 weeks.  This time it costs $40.  There will be two winners, 1 male, and 1 female.  They will split the moola.  The smount of money you can win, will completely depend upon how many people sign up.  I gave my $40 to Meagan this morning and officially signed up.  I was also the very first one to sign up....that's a good sign, right?  I fully plan on winning this thing!  I have the most fat to lose (female wise) in the gym, so I think that gives me a bit of an advantage.  I hope! 

I made it to the gym today and got my behind handed to me on a silver platter....or should I say, my arms?!  My arms felt like jelly afterwards and still feel quite weak and sore.  I didn't realize that I PR'd my back squat today.  115 lbs.  Still not a great number, but I was happy with it. 

Not much else to report.  I'm glad Christmas is over.  It was stressful and frustrating.  I'm just ready to get 2014 started. 

Every victory is a Non Scale Victory!!!!!

After throwing away my scale last spring...I must say that it's a decision I don't regret in the least.  I love reading fitness and weight loss blogs, but I swear most of them center around what the flipping scale says or doesn't say.  I let my scale wreck havoc on my life since I was in 5th grade.....almost 25 years! 

Since joining crossfit I've met some AMAZING people.  There are a couple girls that are tiny.  They are extremely muscular but all in all, very small....and they weigh WAY more than you'd ever think.  The scale doesn't show body composition, it doesn't show muscle mass, it doesn't show how your endurance and stamina have increased.....it shows nothing except a number. 

It's so fun to see small victories without even blinking an eye about what the scale might say.  I get true joy when I set a personal record while doing a lift, or doing 18'' box jumps for the first time, or going on a run and not feeling as fatigued as I would've a month earlier.  I love it!  I wish all of us would throw our scales away and just work hard.  We all know that if we eat better and get more exercise we'll lose weight and get fit......so why do we need a scale to tell us something we already know?  I read a blog not too long ago where the gal was frustrated that she weighed 125 lbs and couldn't get back to 122 lbs....which is where she wants to be.  Ummmmm......SERIOUSLY?!    Do you look good in your clothes?  Do you feel good about yourself?  Are you making good choices?  Then freaking WHO CARES what the scales says?  Good grief! 

The other thing is I swear all scales weigh slightly differently.  I remember weighing myself on my bathroom scale, then on my basement scale only to find an 8 lb difference.  Needless to say I convinced myself that I was the weight that was the lesser of the two evils. 

If you are one of those people who obsess about the scale, give yourself a gift this coming year.  Take a break from it.  Put it in the closet for a month or better yet, throw the darn thing away.  Like anything it's hard at first, but soon you'll feel free of it's shackles....and that my friend is worth it's "weight" in gold. 

By the way.....I bought myself a new kettlebell!  The 15 lb bell was no longer much of a challenge and when I workout at home I needed something to help me keep getting stronger.  Meet my 30 lb bell.  Ahhhh, isn't she pretty!    I love her already!

Where has the energy gone?

I haven't felt much "pep" lately.  Where'd it go?!  I'm not sure if it's the crummy sleep I'm getting, the dark winter days, the single digit temps or what.  I miss the full of life feeling I had during the summer. 

My mom called me today to let me know they had to put their dog down.  Jamaica was almost 14 years old.  I clearly remember the first day they brought her home.  She was an 8 week old black lab and my mom brought her down into my room and let her wake me up by licking me.  I feel bad for my parents, they are taking her death very hard.  =( 

I did make it to crossfit.  I really wanted to skip it today though.....it was mostly cardio.  I'd much rather lift weights that do cardio.  Cardio is great for skinny mini's....not for chunky monkey's like myself.  I suppose I need it the most though...since it's a great fat burner.  WHATEVER........I still freaking hate it. 

We rowed 1000 meters, did 40 jumping pull ups, and then had to burn 65 calories on the airdyne bike.  BARF BARF BARF! 

I finished in 15 min 7 seconds.  Definitely one of the slowest times of the day.  Drat! 

I'm going to brew myself up a cup of coffee and then maybe soak in a hot bubble bath.  My let muscles are screaming at me. 

LOVING ME SOME DEADLIFTS!

Life gets so hectic around the holidays!!  I don't know how people keep up with it all.  I feel like I start to fall behind around Thanksgiving and by the New Year I'm ready to throw in the towel. 

I made it into crossfit the day after Thanksgiving.  I felt extremely swollen due to all the salt I consumed.  I had just one plate of food, and really just normal/proper amounts of everything.  Potatoes, stuffing, green bean casserole, turkey, gravy and some cranberry sauce.  Nothing too extreme.  Still the next day my joints hurt and my fingers and toes felt stiff.  I was glad I got right back on the horse the day after the holiday.  I was also proud that I only had about 6 bites of pie that evening.  I used to use holidays as an excuse to not only eat bad food, but to stuff my face for days afterwards.   

By the weekend I started to developed some terrible migraines.  They were so bad that noises, smells, light, just about everything made it almost unbearable.  Because my head hurt so bad I couldn't eat because it would make me feel sick.  I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't listen to music or watch a movie.  It was all I could do just to make sure my kids got out the door for school and there was food for them to eat.  That has been my existence for most of this week.  I don't know what's causing them.  I'm guessing stress, but who really knows for sure? 

I felt a lot better this morning.  I was able to make it to crossfit today.  Hurray!  My head still hurts but it's only a slight headache.  Friday's are deadlift days, which are my favorite.  I really feel badass when I can lift heavy weights.  I lifted more than any of the girls there today.  I'm still the fattest, but it's nice to not be the weakest as well. 

We did a 10 minute kettle bell warm up.  Followed by 5 sets of 5 heavy dead lifts.  I pulled 205 lbs for my dead lifts.  My personal record for a single rep is 225, so I'm pretty sure the next time I test my limit, I'll be able to beat my last record.  205 is hard.  By the time I finished all my sets I was exhausted and sweat was dripping off my face.  They sure don't look like they are hard or that they do much, but if you research the deadlifts, they are one of the better lifts as far as results go.
Here's an article that goes into way more detail.

Our WOD was a 6 minute AMRAP.
5 air squats
5 kettle bell swings
10 air squats
10 kettle bell swings
etc etc until the 6 minutes runs out.

I used a 25 lb bell.  This was HARD!!  6 minutes sounds like it would be cake....it was not cake, it was more like torture.  Jonathan came by about half way through the WOD and told me that my squats were looking awesome.  He said my form was so much better than it used to.  Hurray!  I was ablet to get up to 25 squats and 17 kb swings before time was up.  My lungs burned SOOO bad! 
We finished off class with some cool down stretches and we were done. 


I'd really like to finish December strong.  No more sickness, no more migraines and getting in all my crossfit workouts.  Time to get in a hot bubble bath and relax.  It's flipping cold here today!  I think our high today should be about 3 degrees.  Brrrrr!!!!

Thanksgiving 5K

Happy Thanksgiving!!  I'm looking forward to spending the day surrounded by family and good food, but first I'm going to be walking/running a Turkey Day 5K.  =)  I mapped it out on googlemaps and found the perfect 5K loop.  Hubby said he'd come with me and we'll bring the lab as well.  I think this should become a yearly tradition. 

Hope you all have a nice, relaxing day.♥

Pain in the neck!

This is my neck after doing 125# back squats today.  I sent this picture to my coaches and they said I'm holding the bar too high and that I need to keep the bar lower.....basically on top of my traps.  Whatever traps are.  Derek said he'd show me tomorrow how to fix my form.  In the mean time I am freaking SORE!  Not only from all the back squats, which by the way was a 40 lb PR for me!  Woot woot!  I did 5 sets of 5 at 125 lbs.  That's a huge increase from what I have been doing. 

We also did FRAN yesterday.  I used 20 lbs more on my bar and boy oh boy did I feel it!  I woke up several times last night because every time I moved my muscles I would be in quite a bit of pain.  I'm taking today off completely to rest and recover.  Maybe I'll get a jump start on Thanksgiving preparations. 

Do you feel like because your body doesn't look the way you want that it holds you back from life?  I let how I feel about myself dictate just about every facet of my life.  I hate that!  I really wanted to wear a dress for the holidays but I feel like I'll look like a whale so I won't. In fact, because I still hate how my body looks I won't even go buy a new outfit.  I can't stand the thought of spending money on clothes that are huge.  I don't know how to love myself where I currently am and that really bothers me.  How does a person change that? 

1st ever family photos taken!

I've been  MIA for awhile now.  I developed a nasty case of bronchitis right before I left to go see my sister in Boise.  I had to cancel our 5K run.  I was miserable!  We pretty much just sat around and watched movies and talked.  Anything else hurt my lungs too much.  Even after I returned home I took off an entire week of crossfit to let my body heal. 

A couple weeks ago my husband took Friday off from work and he went with me to crossfit.  It was awesome for him to get to see what it's like first hand.  They let a family member try a class for free.  I know he wants to start boot camp soon.  He's itching to get involved in some sort of exercise and I think this will be perfect for him.  While there, we worked on deadlifts.  I hadn't been at crossfit for 2 1/2 weeks and during that time I was crazy sick and weak.  We worked on finding our 1 rep max.  Basically the most you can lift in just one lift.  My last 1 rep max was 160 lbs.  Meagan told me to not expect to lift that much since I've been gone for a long time and because I'd been sick.  I ended up lifting 205 lbs!!  I beat my last PR (personal record) by 45 lbs!  I was soo excited!  The WOD was awful.  I could really tell my endurance was way down. 

Last week I just went to class twice and this week I fully plan on going all three days.  It feels good to be back on the horse. 

So I hired Meagan ( one of my wonderful trainers) to take some photos of me and my family.  We've never.....like EVER....had family photos taken.  Every year my husband wants to and I decline saying that I'm too fat and that we can do it the following year.  This has been going on for 11 years.  Well Meagan posted on facebook that she does photography and I looked at some of her work and it was really good.  I went ahead, bit the bullet, and signed us up.  It was extremely hard for me to let someone take full body shots of me.  I hate sounding so selfish.....but all I could think about was how huge I still was.  I got our photos back a few days ago.  Meagan did an amazing job!  There are a few photos I'd like to banish forever, but instead I'm going to keep them so I can remember how I truly looked through my journey.  I much prefer the pictures from the waist up, but whatever...it is what it is.  I thought I'd share a few pictures...some good ones,  and one or two that make me feel insecure. 

 

An ass picture, really?!  BLAH!  It's like twice as big as my husband's.  On a good note, I had a couple people this week tell me at crossfit  that I was looking slimmer.  Hey, I'll take any compliment I can get. 

We also just got a 9 week old miniature dachshund puppy.  We named her Juniper.  She's a sweetie pie.  ♥

full blown bronchitis

Well no wonder I was feeling so icky.  My nasty cold turned into nasty bronchitis.  I love how when you get it the Dr. will tell you to "get lots of rest".  I'm averaging 3-4 hours of sleep per night due to all the coughing.  That's awful! 

I fly to Boise this afternoon to visit my sister.  We're changing all our plans to basically staying in and just watching movies together since I'm not feeling well.  It'll still be fun just to have a break from the kids and spend some quality time w/ my sis.

Last night after trying to fall asleep for several hours, I got up and drew a hot bath.  I poured in a few drops of tea tree oil into the bath and soaked for almost an hour.  I can't believe what a difference that has made.  Instead of tight cough it's now loose and it feels like the mucus in the bronchial tubes is breaking free.  Hurray for little improvements!

Yesterday, Meagan my crossfit trainer, took family photos of us.  We've never had nice photos taken.....EVER!  My husband has been wanting them done for years and every year I tell him the same thing..........when I lose some more weight,  when I go down a few more sizes...etc. etc.  I still have a LONG way to go, but I did it.  It was incredibly hard for me to let someone take full body shots of me.  I don't mind how I look from the shoulders up......it's everything below that makes me uncomfortable.  I'm nervous about getting the pictures back.  It's like you know in your head you are really large but nothing puts it quite in perspective like seeing your entire body in a photo does. 

While Meagan was taking our pictures I asked her about working out at crossfit while getting over bronchitis and she said that after I get home from Boise I can go back to class but they'll just have me do exercises that won't strain my body/lungs very much.  I'm thankful because I didn't want to be forced to still on my tush for another 1-3 weeks while I get over this thing. 

Happy Halloween!