Private Coaching

Well I have had 3 private crossfit sessions under my belt.  Each one feels better than the last.  Meagan has been super patient as I fumble my way through the workouts she gives me.  I'm amazed at how the small mini workouts she gives me tired me out so easily. 

I realize that I have been not very forgiving of myself.  I want to be over the whole cancer crap but the truth is my body is still very weak from the chemo and it's going to take a while for me to bounce back physically.  I look in the mirror and all I see is a girl who got fatter while battling cancer.  Like somehow what happened to my body during the last 9 months is my fault.  I think other people view me in the same light.  Maybe if I had lost my hair then others and myself could see me as someone who is RECOVERING from cancer.  I'm not saying I wish I lost my hair, more like it's easy to just assume I'm fine because I don't look like I battled anything.  

I have three more one on one coaching classes and then I'm back in group classes.  The thought excites and terrifies me.  I wish I wasn't so afraid of what everyone thinks of me all the freaking time.  I HATE IT!  I want more than anything to not care what other's think of me.  Ever since I was a little girl my mother would make comments about me and my weight or my hair or my skin or whatever she thought was imperfect.  I remember walking into a store with her and she says to me, do you see all these people looking at you?  I replied, no.  She said, "they're not looking at you because you're pretty, it's because you have such a large behind.  They can't help but look.  You should really think about losing some weight".  It really wasn't until that moment that I really started feeling insecure with myself and started worrying about what other's were thinking about me.   The phrase "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me" is about the biggest lie ever told!  I think words can cause some very deep wounds that can last decades or even a lifetime. 

The good news is that I'm feeling that fire start to grow.  The fire that I can change my life, I can be the person I've always wanted to be, I can get healthy and fit.  It's a tiny flame but with each workout and each day that I eat healthy I feel it slowly growing bigger and bigger.  I want to be a person who is full of joy and life, who takes risks and has fun, who isn't afraid of what people think of her and is an inspiration to those who feel stuck. 

 

 

I had my before pictures taken at the beginning of last week.  I'm going to take more three months from now and will post them to see what I've accomplished.  I'm eating super clean, mostly paleo and feel good.  I'm determined to go into this holiday season will fresh resolve to change my life once and for all.  

So many things!!

I'm still alive and ashamed to say that I'm a crappy blogger.  I know it's cliché to say I've been busy, but dammit, I have been!  With Christmas over, life has started getting back in a normal routine, which I'm extremely thankful for. 

A quick recap, I've been going to all my scheduled crossfit classes, exercise at home on the days I don't crossfit and have been eating 100% paleo.  Like seriously not one bite of anything nonpaleo.  Let me just say I feel GREAT!  I have more stamina , I'm sleeping better, my mood is better, and just in the last week I've lost 3 inches from my belly.  WOOT!  Mentally I feel totally "in the game". 

Here is a picture Meagan took a couple weeks ago of me doing some back squats.

I saw her pull out the camera and I immediately wanted to hide in the bathroom.  I wish I didn't critique myself so much, but I do.  It's really something I need to work harder at NOT doing.  I saw this picture and all I could see what a fat pudgy belly, fat pudgy legs, and my torso wasn't as upright as it's supposed to be during back squats.    Now if I turn off the negative voice in my head I can look at this picture and say that my ass was below my knees, which is what we strive for, the weight isn't bad and damn, I'm doing something I never thought I'd do in my wildest dreams. 

My form will continue to improve, the weight load will get heavier because I'll get stronger and that's that. 

My crossfit is currently running a Paleo challenge.  We earn points for working out, doing mobility exercises, and posting daily recipes on facebook.  We have to deduct points for cheating.  We also have to take before and after photos as well as thigh and belly before and after measurements.  I am 100% in the mindset that I'm going to win.  I'm doing everything in my power, every single day, to earn that chance to win.  I feel in my heart I want it more than anyone else and I tell anyone that will listen to me that I will be the big winner.  I'm 10 days in and feel awesome!  Our last day is Valentines day.  Woohoo! 

I will try to get better at blogging.  I promise.  =)

1 week till Paleo Challenge kick off

I'm super excited for this coming Paleo challenge at our Crossfit.  It starts Jan. 6th and runs for 6 weeks.  This time it costs $40.  There will be two winners, 1 male, and 1 female.  They will split the moola.  The smount of money you can win, will completely depend upon how many people sign up.  I gave my $40 to Meagan this morning and officially signed up.  I was also the very first one to sign up....that's a good sign, right?  I fully plan on winning this thing!  I have the most fat to lose (female wise) in the gym, so I think that gives me a bit of an advantage.  I hope! 

I made it to the gym today and got my behind handed to me on a silver platter....or should I say, my arms?!  My arms felt like jelly afterwards and still feel quite weak and sore.  I didn't realize that I PR'd my back squat today.  115 lbs.  Still not a great number, but I was happy with it. 

Not much else to report.  I'm glad Christmas is over.  It was stressful and frustrating.  I'm just ready to get 2014 started. 

Stronger than my husband?!?!

On Saturday my husband asked if we could do a crossfit style workout in the garage together.  Although he's still slim, he's lost a lot of muscle since we got married and has replaced it with a soft belly.  He still looks quite slim in his clothes, but I can tell a huge difference in his body composition between now and when we got married 11 years ago.

Anyhoo so we go out into the garage and since we have only a kettlebell, I came up with a workout that would use mostly our body weight. 

We did 5 rounds of:

20 jump squats

25 push ups

30 second plank

30 kettlebell swings

Half way into the 2nd round he had to stop.  He said he couldn't catch his breath and his arms and legs hurt too bad.  I told him to catch his breath and then to keep going.  I continued the workout while he sat down and watched me.  During my 5th round he got back up and finished his 2nd round and then a 3rd.  By that time he stopped and said he couldn't do anymore. 

I must say that it felt freaking amazing to see myself beat him.  Now I know that if he actually started working out on a regular basis, he'd surpass me in very little time.  For the time being, I'm going to relish in my accomplishments.  I can tell it hurt his ego a bit.  What guy would want to admit that his obese wife beat him in a workout?  After a few hours he came up to me and gave me a big hug and told me he was proud of me.  ♥  Little things like that make it all worth it.

Today was a good day at crossfit. 

Our warm up was:

20 meter bear crawl

20 meter crab walk

3 minutes  AMRAP burpees

I felt dead to the world after the burpees.  Haha

The skill set was two rounds:

7 right handed kettlebell snatches and 7 windmills

7 left handed kettlebell snatches and 7 windmills

1 minute native squat

15 kettlebell sit ups (those were freaking HARD)

10  two second squat box jumps

The WOD was an 8 minute AMRAP:

5 hang power snatches

50 double unders or (150 single unders)

15 push ups

I was able to complete exactly 3 full rounds in those 8 minutes


I'm going to make myself a paleo turkey taco salad with homemade guacamole for lunch.  I'm starving!  ;)

What a way to end the week!

I feel like whenever I blog I tend to say the same things.....I woke up and didn't want to go to crossfit.  haha  But it's always the truth.  It was a cold and dark morning and staying in my warm bed and catching some extra Zzzz's seemed much more appealing than putting on workout clothes and going to the gym. 

I guess the good news is that I DID go and got my butt handed to me on a silver platter. 

We started off with ladder drills.  This was my 1st time doing them.  They were actually kind of fun.  They put a rope ladder on the ground and we had to do various things like jump squatting on each rung, or hopping in and out of the squares etc etc. 

For the skill set we did 4 sets of 5 Turkish get-ups on each arm.  After the 1st two rounds we did four 20 second plank holds, then more Turkish get-ups, followed by 4 more plank holds.  My core, my legs, and my arms were shaking.  My muscles were TIRED!

Our WOD was awful.  I felt nauseous half way through.  Thankfully I didn't get sick.  In groups of two we did (all with weighted bar bells)

50 squat thrusters
20 walking lunges
50 overhead squats
20 walking lunges
50 back squats
20 walking lunges

My partner and I finished in 9:54

I just wanted to lie on the ground in my puddle of sweat and not move.  I'm so so so tired!!  That WOD was a fine line from my breaking point.  I could feel myself get a little teary eyed towards the end, which always tells me that I hit my limit. 

I'm going to take a long, warm, bubble bath and possibly a nap before the kids get home from school.  I think I deserve it. 

1st week of the Paleo Challenge is officially over

1 week down, 5 more to go with this Paleo Challenge.  My first week has been chalk full of temptations of all sorts.  All in all I think I've done great!  I miss cheese like crazy as well as half n half for my coffee.  I can do this for 5 more weeks.  It'll be so worth it when I go to Boise.  Not only will I thoroughly enjoy my food when I'm there, but I know my clothes will be fitting better and running the 5k will be easier.  I tried on a sweater that my sister gave me a couple years ago.  It's never fit, like not even close.  It was so tight I've contemplated getting rid of it several times.  I was able to wear it yesterday and it fit perfectly.  Hurray!!!! 

Crossfit is always hard, but there are days where it's hard and it feels good, and then days where it's hard and you want to die.  Today I wanted to die. 

Our warm up was kettle bell maxercise.  Basically we did several minutes of nonstop kettle bell exercises. 

Our skill set was all about hang cleans.

It was 10 sets:
flat footed clean pull
hang power clean
hang squat clean
jerk

I loved the jerks.  It was my first time ever doing them.  I must admit I did feel a little bit like a bad ass. 

Our WOD was in a group of 3:

row 3000 meters

120 burpees

I'm slowly conquering my fear of running.  It's not as hard anymore.  Rowing on the other hand suck so bad!  It's crazy hard and my stomach fat likes to get in the way, which makes it harder to catch my breath.  I wanted to quit so bad.  If it wasn't for my group/team, I don't know how well I would've faired. 

It's only 7pm and I'm tired enough to go to bed.  Unfortunately my husband is out of town working, so I'll have to stay up and get the kids off to bed in an hour. 

I'm looking forward to seeing how my body changes during the last 5 weeks of this challenge.  It feels really good to fuel my body on clean foods.  My mood is better, I sleep SO much better, and I think it's a good example for my children. 

feeling like a freaking heifer!

Today starts day 1 of the 6 week Paleo Challenge.  I took my measurements this morning as well as "before" photos.  I got a back, side, and front photo of myself in exercise pants and a sports bra.  I looked at those photos and immediately wanted to throw the camera across the room and smash in into a hundred pieces.  5 months of crossfit, over 30 inches lost so far and I'm still flipping HUGE!  I don't feel like I'm as fat as the pictures showed I was. 

I will wait to post my hideous heifer pictures after my 6 weeks is up along with the after photos.  I hate looking like this, hate hate hate HATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You know those people that tell you to love yourself no matter where you are in your journey?  Well, I have the overwhelming urge to karate chop them in the neck today.  Just sayin'.

6 week Paleo challenge starts TOMORROW

After getting pissed and cranky about the Paleo Challenge rules at my crossfit I have decided to just do my own thing.  I'll be starting my 6 week challenge tomorrow.  I leave for Boise on Halloween and that will be the day after the challenge is over.  Perfect timing!  So I won't get to win any money or prizes or even be part of the group who is recognized as being part of this diet eating lifestyle.  So what.  The truth is everything I'm doing is for me.  I should be glad to do it just for my own health and well being.  That should be my true reward.  Still trying to convince myself that money isn't everything.  *sigh*

I felt pretty good this morning despite the chaos of trying to get all three kids out of bed, dressed, fed, lunches made, hair brushed, and out the door before their buses arrived.  Sometimes I feel like I should have the The Flight Of The Bumble Bee playing in the background. 

Crossfit was a challenge today.  Our WOD was in honor of a gentleman who was killed in action while serving our country.  I believe he served with Derek.  I think it's neat that crossfit as a whole honor men and women that have been killed while serving our country. 

Our WOD was 5 rounds:

12 deadlifts

9 hang power cleans

6 push jerks 


All of the lighter bar bells were taken so I went with a bar that I thought might be too heavy and used just 5 pound weights on either side just to keep the bar off the floor......55 pounds in all. 

Surprisingly I was able to complete the WOD using 55lbs instead of what I wanted to use which was around 45lbs. 

I'm exhausted and my arms and hamstrings feel like rubber. 

I need to go to Walmart today and get myself a notebook.  I want to start keeping a very detailed log of my workouts and the weights I'm using so I can refer to it as I continue on this crossfit journey as well as keep a detailed record of what I'm eating every day.  I will take my measurements tomorrow morning and again on Halloween (6 weeks later). 

I think since today is my last day of eating nonPaleo foods, I'm going to get a Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte and maybe even have pizza for dinner. Naughty naughty! 

I want it MY way!

Finally feeling better, hurray!  I did make it to crossfit yesterday and it was great to get back in the game. 

Warm up: run 400 meters then do a partner burpee ladder.  Example:  I do one burpee, partner does one burpee, I do two burpees, partner does two burpees etc etc until we both get to 7 burpees. 

Skill set: kettle bell snatches, ab rollers, jump squats
We went over and over the proper techniques and then did 5 rounds of 5 snatches on each arm, 10 ab rollers and 5 jump squats.

WOD: This was a EMOTM (every minute on the minute) for 12 minutes:

3 kettle bell snatches on each arm and 7 up/downs (similar to a burpee)

I AM SO SORE TODAY!!!!!!!


So we finally found out the details of our paleo challenge and I'm super bummed.  Usually it sounds like if you want to participate you pay $50.  After 6 weeks the 3 people with the most impressive results get the cash prize.  I believe Meagan said last time the winner won a few hundred dollars.  Unfortunately this time they changed the rules.  It's $15, no cash prize, and the $ goes towards a bbq meal that all participants will get after they complete the challenge.

 I don't want any freaking food, I want to win $$$$$$!!!!!  I'm sorry but winning $ to me is a hugely motivating.  Eating a bbq meal is not.  I know I know I'm acting like a spoiled child who isn't getting things her way.  Still.......I'm quite frustrated.  I'm embarrassed to admit I actually felt like crying after I read the new rules.  *sigh*



Other rules include:

before/after pics
before/after weight
before/after measurements

doing a minimum of 3 WODS a week

a food log

We can partner up to support each other.  I don't really have any friends there, so I guess I'm on my own. 

I'm sure that if I can stick to 6 weeks of Paleo and 6 weeks of crossfit 3 times a week plus running.....that I'll see some decent progress in my health and fitness goals.  I could've really used that prize money. 

Oh well.  Such is life.  Time to "build a bridge and get over it".  (as my husband likes to say)  ha!

Running in the rain

I woke up today to rain.  I forced myself to go running anyway.  It actually felt quite invigorating.  I can hardly believe how my running endurance has changed since I first started this program. The first week you run just 60 seconds and then walk for 90 over and over.  Those 60 seconds seemed like an hour!  My legs would cramp up and I'd get terrible side aches.  Now I'm able to run for 3 minutes at a time.  I don't get cramps or side aches anymore either.  I'm really starting to look forward to running that 5K with my sister in two months. 

I have a house full of healthy food so there are no excuses this week why I can't get my workouts in and nourish my body properly. 

Have you ever heard of  Bountiful Baskets?  It's a fabulous nonprofit organization that gives you tons of fresh produce for only $15 a basket.  You get between 5 and 6 different varieties of fruit and 5 to 6 varieties of veggies each week.  It's a great way to eat healthy and not break the bank.  You can order as often or as little as you like.  There is no sign up fees, no commitment, just good food for a great price.  Check it out!  

www.bounitfulbaskets.org

sprinting

Today was a running day.  I'm still using the Couch to 5K program and am totally loving it.  So in general you have a warm up, which is brisk walking, then intervals of running and walking followed up by a cool down walk.  Each week you run a bit more and walk a bit less until you are basically running the whole time.  Anyhoo....today on my last interval I decided to sprint.  I'm obviously the most tired by the time I get to the last running interval but I wanted to see what I could do.  Oh My Goodness, it felt like I was going to die!!  I just kept telling myself that it was only a couple minutes and that I can do anything for a couple of minutes.  I did it and it felt great!  Woohoo!!!!!  I go see my sister in 10 weeks.  I'm looking forward to running this 5K with her.  =)  I feel like I'm doing everything in my power to be physically ready. 

I'm going to make that sweet and spicy paleo hash again for lunch like I had yesterday.  I've been dreaming about it all morning.  mmmmmmmm!!! 

Tomorrow is crossfit.  I'm crossing my fingers that I have a bit more energy that I did on Monday. 

Weak Sauce

Went to crossfit this morning and it was awful.  I think having the flu last week really took it's toll.  I had no energy to get through my workout.  Even during the warm up I could feel my leg muscles just stop.  They literally gave out on me.  FUDGE!  The skill set was overhead, back and front squats.  I was using less weight than I did two weeks ago.  Again, it wasn't just hard because it was heavy, it was hard because my body just couldn't seem to get it's crap together and work properly. 

The WOD was

15 overhead squats
100 double unders or if you can't do DU then 30 down and ups

10 OH squats
75 DU/20 down and ups

5 OH squats
50 DU/10 down and ups

I used a super light 20 lb weighted pvc pipe for my overhead squats.  I would've used a 25 lb bar, but they were all taken.  (big class today)

The down and ups killed me.  I actually can't do them properly because of the fat on my stomach getting in the way.  I ended up just doing my modified version of the burpee. 

As I was doing my 1st set of 30 burpees, I started feeling uber nauseous. I took a 15 second breather and got right back down to business.  I lost count somewhere around 20 burpees.  So I did another 5 just to be safe. 

I felt slow, tired, and insanely weak today.  I wanted to stomp my feet on the ground just like a toddler throwing a fit.  It's not fair!!

Anyhoo afterwards I drank my protein shake and came home. 

For lunch I remembered I had some leftover crustless bacon and spinach quiche.  I went to the fridge only to discover that my husband took it to work for his lunch.  Grrrr.....since when does he like paleo food?  Hmmph!

Instead I created a new recipe that rocked my socks off.  It was so insanely yummy!  I wish I hadn't horked it down as soon as it was finished cooking because it was quite pretty with all the colors. 

Sweet and Spicy Paleo Hash

4 strips of bacon cut up in tiny strips
1/2 jalapeno pepper minced
1/4 cup onion
1/2 cup minced cremini  mushrooms  (baby Portobello's)
1/2 cup shredded sweet potato
2 Tbs chopped green onion
2 eggs
1 tsp coconut oil
salt/pepper to taste

I cooked the bacon in a nonstick skillet until crispy.  Next I added the jalapeno, onion, mushrooms and sweet potato and cooked until heated through.  I added a little salt and pepper to the hash and then cooked the eggs.  In a separate nonstick pan I heated the coconut oil and then cooked my eggs over medium.  Once the eggs were cooked, I added them to the top of the hash, sprinkled on the green onions and dug in. 
It was sweet, it was spicy, it was delicious!

This is something I will defninitely make again, but hopefully next time I take a moment to snap a picture before I inhale it.  =)

feeling lazy

I have not exercised once this week.  I've been battling the flu and just overall not feeling very good.  I can tell my body has been fighting something.  *sigh*  Oh well.  I can't do anything about it.  I'm just going to continue to eat well, drink lots of water, and let my body get better.

I took my daughter to the fair for a few hours yesterday.  Smelling all the food just hurt my stomach.  It made me feel super nauseous.  This is another reason I know I'm not totally well.  Normally I'd be drooling at all the wonderful smells of kettle corn, elephant ears, and corn dogs.  *shudder*  Also seeing the animals and SMELLING the animals just about did me in.  I had to take a break, to drink some water and chew some peppermint gum to keep my tummy happy.  I promised I'd take my daughter since all the boys are at camp.  She's never ever been to the fair and not going just wasn't an option.  I'm super thankful I didn't toss my cookies while out in public. 

Today my mother is taking my daughter and I to go look at granite.  My parents are remodeling their house and she wants my opinion on colors.  I'm looking forward to picking up my husband and sons tomorrow I miss them terribly.  I will continue to rest up for the remainder of this week and hit my running and crossfit hard next week.

I saw that my crossfit is going to have a Fall Paleo Challenge coming up soon.  I'm not sure when it starts, how long it lasts or what the rules are, but I'll be doing it no matter what.  I know the winners can earn some nice cash.  I could use to lose quite a bit of weight and the cash would help pay for, what else, crossfit! 

It's not fun.

Today I got up and sat on the couch, sipping my morning coffee.  I didn't want to go running.  It's not fun.  It's physically painful and it's humiliating to run out in public when I feel so ugly and fat.  The problem is nothing changes when I choose to be lazy. 

I laced up my shoes and went for my second run this week.  I definitely felt more tired and sore today than I did on Monday.  Maybe because on Monday I'd rested a couple days and today was the day after back to back Crossfit sessions.  Whatever the reason, I struggled a bit. 

I'm anxious to really start seeing some changes in my body.  I want to see my pants start getting so loose that I need to go down another size.....same with my shirts.  I know I'm building muscle.  I can feel it in my arms and can tell a huge difference in what I can do at crossfit.  I just feel like the fat is taking it's sweet time to melt away.  I'm sure if I was eating 100% paleo it would speed up the process.  I'm just not sure if I'm willing to do that.  I eat mostly paleo, but definitely not 100%.  I wish this losing weight and getting stronger was an easier process.

I think for lunch I'm going to have a big salad with grilled chicken and bacon, andtonight I'm going to make salmon and steamed broccoli for dinner.  It's all about planning. 

Have a good day!

At the beginning (photos)

Ok, so on March 25th I started my crossfit journey.  It's been 4 months now and so many things have changed.  My outlook on life is much better.  Overall I feel happier.  For the first time in, I don't know how long, I actually feel proud of what I'm doing.  Sometimes after I get out of the shower I look in the mirror and am still horrified at the reflection.  I'll look at myself trying to see any positive changes.  I don't find many.  There are times where I feel just as huge and when I started.  Sometimes I even let those negative thoughts pull me down and I start to doubt the whole process. 

Yesterday I pulled out some photos I took a few years ago.  When I started crossfit I was the same weight (within 3 lbs) and same exact clothing size as I was in the "before" photos.  When I looked at them and then looked at the picture I had my son take a few days ago, I could see a huge difference.  Anyway, without further ado, here are my before photos.

Here is the photo I took 4 days ago.

So I printed these pictures today and brought them in with me today to crossfit.  I wanted to show my trainers just how much my body has changed in the last 4 months.  They were shocked and super happy for me.  It's easy not to see it when the changes are gradual.  After I showed Meagan, she asked if, at my 6 month mark, would I be up for writing a bio/testimony for them to post on their blog and to put on their website for others to see along with pics from the beginning, 4 months in and then 6 months in.  She said a lot of people refuse to even consider crossfit because they're so out of shape and or heavy and that them reading my testimony and seeing my photos would be an inspiration to others who maybe are considering it, but are doubtful they will succeed.

I'm overwhelmed and honored that they'd even ask me!  The girl who had a complete and epic meltdown on Wednesday....they want her to inspire others!  I must say that them even asking me makes me want to make sure I keep my toes in line and work my hardest during these next two months.  I feel super motivated now.  =)

Today's workout was SO much better than Wednesday's.  We started off with line drills back and forth.  Then Derek showed us how to do dips on the Olympic rings.  I am neither light enough, nor strong enough to do them, so he had me practicing push-ups and planks.   Our WOD was 50 dips (he had me do 35 push ups) a 400 meter farmer walk, and 50 over head squats.  I carried 25 lb dumbbells in each hand as I walked 400 meters as fast as I could.  They didn't feel too bad at first, but by the time I was almost done, I was having a super hard time not letting the dumbbells drop.  I'm thrilled that I didn't stop and I didn't put down the bells until I got back inside the building.  My forearms were on FIRE!  I used about a 25lb pipe to do the over head squats.  Most people used weighted barbells.  Those squats were brutal, but I finished in 11 minutes and 26 seconds.  I felt great and was pumped!

Tomorrow I'll be doing a C25K run and Sunday I plan on being lazy lazy lazy.  Can't wait!  On a good note, hubby and I are working through our issues and he's going to get the help he needs.  He didn't cheat on me and never has, he just wasn't behaving as a married man ought to behave.  I'll leave it at that. 

I hope you all have a really relaxing and wonderful weekend.

measurements

I didn't sleep well again last night.  I moved my crossfit workout from 9:30am to noon so I could get some much needed sleep.  I don't like going at noon.   It's super hot and there is no air conditioning in the gym.  Anyhoo, I made it and I did something today I haven't been able to do before.  I was able to hang from the pull up bar.  I know for most people that sounds like a stupid thing to be excited about, but for me this is huge.  I could hang on for 8 or 9 seconds.  I was able to do some of the latt work on the bar.  Basically engaging your lateral muscles and bringing your body up a few inches while hanging on.  I was very happy to see my progress. 

This morning I took my measurements.  I think I mentioned my husband throwing our scale away so I have no idea what I weigh.....and that's ok with me.  I've lost 25 inches off my body since starting crossfit.  4 inchs off each thigh.  woohoo!  My clothes are fitting a bit looser with each passing week.  Nothing astronomical, but a definite difference. 

I feel really good today.  I realized I've been at crossfit now for 4 months.  I've stuck with it!  I haven't quit.  This is probably the longest I've ever stuck to anything.  I'm super happy about that!  I'm making good choices one day at a time.  I can't even wait to see where I'll be a year from now.  I'm slowly peeling away the layers of myself that I can't stand and with each layer I'm finding the person I've always wanted to be.  Someone strong mentally and physically and who pushes forward despite life's bumps in the road. 

Just not feeling it..........

What is wrong with me?!  I feel like I'm in a mental and physical fog.  I feel depressed and moody.  I don't know if it's stress about my husband's job change, financial problems or what.  I didn't go to crossfit on Monday because of my horrible sunburn.  On Wednesday it looked like this....

I can't even describe the pain I was in.  Nothing I put on it helped.  I had to take Ibuprofen throughout the day just to get by.  A friend called me and told me to try yellow mustard.  To slather it on and let it dry.  It sounded insane, but I was desperate enough to give it a go.  Within 20 minutes most of the pain had gone away.  Hurray!  I didn't even care that I smelled like a walking deli.  Today I was finally able to wear a bra again, so I went to crossfit.  I will go again tomorrow.  At least I'll be able to get in two workouts this week.  Not what I was hoping for, but it is what it is. 

I felt super run down during my workout.  Almost like I was starting all over again.  I felt weak, sick to my stomach, and just mentally not with it.  Ugh!   I hope this feeling is short lived, because I want to feel on top of the world again.

Next week I'm going to start my training for a 5K.  I plan on training Tues, Thurs, and Saturday's.  So with crossfit, I'll be "working out" 6 days a week.  I'd really like to start seeing the lbs start coming off.  Or at least my clothes start getting bigger.  I have seen some changes, but not as many as I'd like.  I did let my eating slack a bit while my in-laws were in town.  It's time to get back into strict paleo. 

On another note, I got an invite to attend our crossfit's annual beach party.  I want to go....kind of....but the scared part of me is like, "THERE IS NO WAY ON EARTH I'M GOING TO GET INTO A SWIMMING SUIT WITH ALL THE OTHER CROSSFITTERS".  How can I?!?!?!?!  Everyone in their bikini's with their lean arms and legs.........yeah right!  I'm pissed at myself that I refuse to go to a function that I would like to go to because I'm too self conscious.  It makes me physically ill just thinking about going.  I don't belong in that group of people!  I belong under a rock.  (can you tell i'm not very positive today?)  

Cinderella

I didn't sleep well last night.  I woke up with a sore throat.  It's overcast and staying curled up in bed sounded lovely.  BUT I still got up and got my plump behind to CrossFit.  I fought with myself about it all morning.  I'm glad I'm starting to listen to the "angel" voice more than the "devil" voice.  The more I force myself to go the more I realize that I can do this.  I can become an athlete.  I can take control of my life.  I can become the person I've always wanted to be. 

I was talking with my mom on the phone this morning and I told her that I feel like I'm stronger mentally.....more than I ever remember.  She told me that she felt like I'm finally becoming the person I was meant to be.  That statement made me feel great and awful all at the same time.  Great because it feels good to be doing what I was born to do, and yet awful because I've wasted 33 years.  I know what you are thinking, YOU CAN'T DWELL ON THE PAST.  THE PAST IS THE PAST. You are right. 

I saw this quote on another blog yesterday and it really resonated with me.

I've had a few people tell me how brave I was for changing my life and starting crossfit.  It bothers me a bit because I don't feel brave, I don't feel like I have any courage.  But this quote kind of brought it all home for me.  Maybe courage isn't being fearless.....maybe it's just continually trying and working towards your goals despite the occasional obstacle.

Today's warm up was two rounds of running 200 meters, 8 ring rows, and 8 toes to bar.  I did (what I think are called) V-ups instead.  I've been reading some info on running.  I wanted to see if I could find any tips on how to do it more efficiently.  Today I tried to slow it down just a smidge and lengthen my stride.  It felt a little better.  Megan told me that my running looked better today, so maybe I'm actually doing something right!   Speaking of running......I'll be going to Boise in Nov to visit my sister.  I'm flying in on Halloween and staying a few nights.  I'm going to run my first 5K while there.  I'm super excited and totally freaked out.  It definitely gives me something to work towards in the mean time. 

Our skill set was weighted pull-ups.  Again, can't really do pull-ups, so I did 5 rounds of 5 negative pull-ups on the rings.  I've never used my muscles so much in my life.  I've worked out throughout the years, but never really with weights or weight related exercises.  It's pretty much been pure cardio.  Cardio was never really tough.  I might get tired or winded, but it was never "hard".  I never felt like I was going to die.  I pretty much feel like I'm going to die each and every time I set foot in my crossfit. 

Our WOD was 4 rounds of rowing 500 meters.  Again we couldn't get less than a 3 second difference in our times or we'd have to do 25 burpees.  Oh my flippin word.  I remember the pain and agony I felt last Wednesday, and it was back to haunt me again.  It's funny the thoughts that run through your brain when you get scared.....maybe I should fake an injury, maybe I could sneak out and no one would notice, maybe I could row only three rounds and not tell anyone.....the list goes on and on.  My first round I clocked in at 2 min 14 seconds. 

2nd round: 2 min 9 seconds
3rd round: 2 min 15 seconds
4th round: can't remember

I know I didn't owe any burpees so I was at least 2 min 17 seconds.

During my 4th round I stopped for about 3 seconds to catch my breath and relieve my burning legs and arms.  Megan came up behind me and told me to keep going.  Ugh!  I started up again and my shoe fell off.  Instead of stopping again I just kept pulling as hard as I possibly could.  I finished.  I grabbed my shoe and sat down and tried desperately to catch my breath.  Everything hurt, everything ached, my body is so not used to this type of torture. 

I'm beyond thankful I didn't owe any burpees.  I think I would've burst into tears if I did.  I did cry on my way home....AGAIN.  I'm confused why crossfit makes me cry so much.  Oh well.  As I drove home I passed the grocery store, and as I drove by I saw the reader board highlight their sale on donuts.  Dear Jesus, help me!  I drove right on by, got home and collapsed on the couch.  I did it.  I finished another grueling workout. 

Grace

I got super busy on Friday and wasn't able to post anything, but I did go to CrossFit like a good girl.  Seems like as the summer progresses the busier I get.  I was sore all weekend from last weeks workouts.  It was the "good" kind of sore.  =) 

My mother in law comes in exactly two weeks.  I'm trying super hard to not let her stress me out, but after 12 years of dealing with her crap, it's easier said than done.  I'm just bracing myself for some rude comments about my weight or how I raise my kids, or what we eat.  She gets pretty angry when I don't have my house stocked with her favorite foods and beverages.  I don't buy potato chips or soda or cookies or most other junk food.  If my family is craving something sweet, then I will make it homemade.  Processed foods and drinks are no longer allowed in our home.  Anyway, I know I shouldn't dwell on what has yet to occur. 

On a different note today we did "Grace".   

The warm-up was a 400 meter run, and then we grabbed a partner and did "junkyard dog".  It's jumping over your partner and then crawling underneath them.  Running and jumping.....not my best strengths.  We did a killer kettle bell skill set.  Lunges with kettle bells, sit ups with kettle bells, and sitting in a lunge position, lifting the kettle bell over head over and over....several rounds of everything.  I was feeling quite exhausted after the warm up and skill set......I just wanted to go home at that point.  I think forcing myself to actually attend class is good for me because I'm starting to realize how easily I give up or want to quit.  If I was home alone, I could pretty much guarantee that I'd have quit and stopped. 

Our WOD was "Grace".  Grace is 30 clean and jerks.  They want girls to do 95lbs.  I was only able to do 45 lbs and it was SO incredibly hard.  First of all the movement is so not natural for me.  It was frustrating me that I couldn't seem to grasp the concept of how to do the lift properly.  Megan helped me out and after some practice I got the hang of it.  We had to do 30 reps, no matter how long it took.  I was able to get it done in 6 min 15 seconds.  The tops of my shoulders felt like they were going to shrivel up and fall off, taking my arms with them.  Just picking up my purse when it was time to go home was quite the feat.  haha 

Here is a 2 min video showing how to do clean and jerks.

It's a cloudy and rainy day.  A perfect day to relax after my tiring morning.  I need to figure out something smart for dinner.  Time to hit the web and look for some yummy paleo recipes. 

Death Row

Today is my middle son's 8th birthday.  Hebron was born on Father's Day.  He asked me if we could stay home from crossfit today because it was his birthday.  Nice try, Son.  After I cool down from my workout and shower, I'll take him to 31 Flavors to get an ice cream cone. 

Today was a wamup, skill set, and WOD that all dealt with the arms and shoulders.  The WOD was a killer.  Literally I felt like death was creeping up on me while doing it.  I wanted to die.  The rowing machine looks so innocent.  Most of us have tried it a time or two in the gym.  It seems easy and it is if you're using it incorrectly.  We had to row 750 meters three times.  We timed ourselves and couldn't go below our first time by more than 3 seconds or we'd have to do 25 penalty burpees. 

If we rowed the first 750 meters in 3 minutes, then we'd double that time to rest.  So then we'd rest for 6 minutes.  Then we'd row again, rest again, and then row one last time. 

Our crossfit only has 8 rowers, and we had well over 20 people in today's class, so we had to alternate a bit.  I was in the last group to start and naturally was the last person to finish. 

Geoff told me that I needed to stay around 220 meters a minute.  He told me that I have strong legs and that it was an appropriate goal for me to strive for.  When I rowed Monday I had a super hard time staying under 230 meters a minute, and that was for 400 meters sprints.  ugh!!!!

I started and stayed at around 217 meters a minute.  My lungs burned, my shoulders were on fire, my legs were quivering, my stomach muscles were screaming at me.  My whole body felt like it was going to shut down.  I just closed my eyes and kept rowing, trying to keep a good stride and proper form.  I finished my 1st 750 meters in 3 minutes 34 seconds.   I had 7 minutes to rest. 

That 7 min. rest FLEW by!  My second 750 meters I was told to keep my speed at 215 meters a minute.  Basically meaning I needed to do this round slightly faster.  I wanted to scream, LOOK AT ME, I'M TOO FAT!  Instead I just closed my eyes and prayed that I wouldn't make a complete fool out of myself in front of the rest of the class. 

My second round I was able to shave 6 seconds off my time.  I clocked in at 3 minutes 28 seconds. 
I had another 7 min. rest and climbed back on the rower.  I knew I had to get my last round in at 3 min 37 seconds or faster....otherwise 25 burpees would need to be done. 

My stomach was not happy, I felt super sick, and my eyes were starting to tear up.  I told myself to KNOCK IT OFF, THERE IS NO CRYING IN CROSSFIT...YOU SIGNED UP FOR THIS, NOW BUCK UP AND GET THROUGH IT! 

I stopped twice during my 3rd round.  My lungs just didn't feel like they could keep up with my need for oxygen.  Megan and Geoff started yelling encouragement to me and I finished as strong as I could.  I used every last ounce of energy that I had.  I finished at exactly 3 min 34 seconds.....the same as my 1st round. 

Hurray!!  No burpees for this girl!!  I did it.  I finished it.  I pushed myself past any limit I thought I had.  I just sat on the machine for a minute and sucked in air as fast as I could.  I didn't care that I was last.  I was just happy I finished it. 

On a different note, I saw my grandfather on Saturday and he gave me a hug and told me that he could totally see me shrinking.  Yay!  It feels so good when others can visually see the hard work I've been putting in. 

Yesterday I went and donated plasma.  I've been donating on and off for a few years now.  I go when I need a little extra cash.  At the moment I go twice a week to pay for CrossFit since there is no money in the budget for this expensive sport.  Ever since I started donating plasma they have to use the larger of two arm cuffs to check my blood pressure.  There have been a few times where someone would try a smaller cuff, but as soon as they turn it on, it pops off because it's way too small.  Yesterday the nurse used the smaller one and I cringed as she turned on the machine.  To my shock and amazement it didn't pop off, it fit just fine!! 

Can I fit into skinny jeans?  no

Can I wear a swimsuit at the beach and look normal?  no

Can I get on the scale and see a healthy number looking back at me?  no

I'm no where near where I want to be, but I'm thrilled at the small changes I'm starting to see.  I'm going to be proud of where I am and where I've come from.  I don't think enough of us get happy about the small things.  We tend to get fixated on a certain number on the scale or the size of pants they're in.  We need to celebrate all the small victories in our lives.  It's those small things that will lead us to the big changes we so desperately want.