I didn't wear any pants!

How is it Monday already?!  What a whirl wind of a week!!  I'm still not completely well.  I still have a lingering cough, but for the most part I'm feeling much better.  We've spent most of this past week outdoors.  It's been hot and sunny and really just perfect weather. 

I've mentioned before that I have a very active husband and for most of the past 11 years of marriage I have chosen not to be active with him.  I told myself that this year I was going to do everything he did.  If he goes hiking, I go hiking, if he goes to the beach to swim then......GASP......I will put on a swimming suit and go to the beach to swim.  The beach is the hardest for me.  I haven't worn just a swimming suit to the beach since I was in grade school.  I'd wear shorts over my suit to hide my thighs or a shirt to hide my tummy.  Anyway we went to the beach last weekend and as soon as we got our chairs and umbrella set up, I quickly took off my shirt and pants.  I stood there on the beach in nothing but my swimming suit and sunglasses.  I looked around to see if anyone was going blind from all my grossness.....but no one seemed to notice, let alone give two craps. 

As time went on that day I saw several people who were in much worse shape than I was....and they all ran around in their swimming suits without a care in the world.  A few even wore bikinis!!!!!   They didn't seem to care, so why do I?  The best part of the day was swimming with my kids.  They were tickled pink that I got in the water with them.  This is what life is all about!  Spending time with the ones you love, not sitting on the beach, wearing pants and stressing over how fat you are.  For some reason I've had it in my head that unless you are perfect at something, you don't even try it.  Ever since I was a small child, that's how I've felt about life. 

Long story short, I went to the beach several times this past week and each time I've taken off my shirt and pants and have tried my best to not let my fears and insecurities cloud my thinking.  I still hate how I look, but this is who I am today and I'm working on changing what I don't like.  So until I become a major babe, I'm going to strut my white flabby dimpled legs at the beach.  ;)

I did go to crossfit today.  Today was beyond hard.  I can tell that I don't have my full strength back from being so sick.  The smallest things just wear me out completely.  We started off with junkyard dog.  I was ready to quit after that.  Our skill set was 4 rounds of various kettle bell exercises.  Again, would've loved to have grabbed my keys and headed home afterwards.  Our WOD was 3 rounds of running 400 meters and 15 over head squats with a weighted bar.  I used a super light bar.  This was my first time doing over head squats, so the movement for me was more important than the weight. 

We stood up at the white board while Jonathan filled us in on what the WOD entailed.  He then told us that we were going to do a "warm up" run before we started the WOD.  What the heck?! Nononononono NO NO NOOOOOOOOO!!!  I wanted to cry.  Running is my enemy! So we all lined up outside and did our warm up 400 meter run.  Oh my goodness.  I was spent by the time I made it back inside.  I was the last one in, as usual. 

As they counted down the seconds until we started the WOD I just kept praying that I wouldn't get sick.  I was starting to already feel slightly nauseous.  I ran 400 meters the 1st round, then did 15 OHS (over head squats) and then Meagan and Jonathan both told me to just run 200 meters the last two rounds.  My 2nd round was painful.  I got the worst stitch in my side while running.  UGH!!  My 3rd round brought out the tears again.  My eyes started to water and I could feel a cry-a-thon start to build.  I bit the insides of my cheeks as hard as I could to stop myself from crying.  I finished my 3rd round in 11 min 38 seconds.  I believe I got the worst time and I was the only one (I believe) who modified the run.  So yeah....once again......I'm in dead last.  Oh well.  At least I showed up, I tried my best, and I did everything they asked me to do. 

My in-laws arrive tomorrow.  My anxiety is building with each approaching day.  I feel like I'm going to throw up just thinking about it.  I'm praying that God gives me peace of mind while they are here and that this would be an enjoyable visit unlike every other visit that's ever occurred thus far. 

Cinderella

I didn't sleep well last night.  I woke up with a sore throat.  It's overcast and staying curled up in bed sounded lovely.  BUT I still got up and got my plump behind to CrossFit.  I fought with myself about it all morning.  I'm glad I'm starting to listen to the "angel" voice more than the "devil" voice.  The more I force myself to go the more I realize that I can do this.  I can become an athlete.  I can take control of my life.  I can become the person I've always wanted to be. 

I was talking with my mom on the phone this morning and I told her that I feel like I'm stronger mentally.....more than I ever remember.  She told me that she felt like I'm finally becoming the person I was meant to be.  That statement made me feel great and awful all at the same time.  Great because it feels good to be doing what I was born to do, and yet awful because I've wasted 33 years.  I know what you are thinking, YOU CAN'T DWELL ON THE PAST.  THE PAST IS THE PAST. You are right. 

I saw this quote on another blog yesterday and it really resonated with me.

I've had a few people tell me how brave I was for changing my life and starting crossfit.  It bothers me a bit because I don't feel brave, I don't feel like I have any courage.  But this quote kind of brought it all home for me.  Maybe courage isn't being fearless.....maybe it's just continually trying and working towards your goals despite the occasional obstacle.

Today's warm up was two rounds of running 200 meters, 8 ring rows, and 8 toes to bar.  I did (what I think are called) V-ups instead.  I've been reading some info on running.  I wanted to see if I could find any tips on how to do it more efficiently.  Today I tried to slow it down just a smidge and lengthen my stride.  It felt a little better.  Megan told me that my running looked better today, so maybe I'm actually doing something right!   Speaking of running......I'll be going to Boise in Nov to visit my sister.  I'm flying in on Halloween and staying a few nights.  I'm going to run my first 5K while there.  I'm super excited and totally freaked out.  It definitely gives me something to work towards in the mean time. 

Our skill set was weighted pull-ups.  Again, can't really do pull-ups, so I did 5 rounds of 5 negative pull-ups on the rings.  I've never used my muscles so much in my life.  I've worked out throughout the years, but never really with weights or weight related exercises.  It's pretty much been pure cardio.  Cardio was never really tough.  I might get tired or winded, but it was never "hard".  I never felt like I was going to die.  I pretty much feel like I'm going to die each and every time I set foot in my crossfit. 

Our WOD was 4 rounds of rowing 500 meters.  Again we couldn't get less than a 3 second difference in our times or we'd have to do 25 burpees.  Oh my flippin word.  I remember the pain and agony I felt last Wednesday, and it was back to haunt me again.  It's funny the thoughts that run through your brain when you get scared.....maybe I should fake an injury, maybe I could sneak out and no one would notice, maybe I could row only three rounds and not tell anyone.....the list goes on and on.  My first round I clocked in at 2 min 14 seconds. 

2nd round: 2 min 9 seconds
3rd round: 2 min 15 seconds
4th round: can't remember

I know I didn't owe any burpees so I was at least 2 min 17 seconds.

During my 4th round I stopped for about 3 seconds to catch my breath and relieve my burning legs and arms.  Megan came up behind me and told me to keep going.  Ugh!  I started up again and my shoe fell off.  Instead of stopping again I just kept pulling as hard as I possibly could.  I finished.  I grabbed my shoe and sat down and tried desperately to catch my breath.  Everything hurt, everything ached, my body is so not used to this type of torture. 

I'm beyond thankful I didn't owe any burpees.  I think I would've burst into tears if I did.  I did cry on my way home....AGAIN.  I'm confused why crossfit makes me cry so much.  Oh well.  As I drove home I passed the grocery store, and as I drove by I saw the reader board highlight their sale on donuts.  Dear Jesus, help me!  I drove right on by, got home and collapsed on the couch.  I did it.  I finished another grueling workout. 

Running, donuts and crying

Have I ever mentioned that I hate running?  I have?  Well I'm going to say it again, I HATE RUNNINGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Like super hate it.  Ugh!  Today was a very very tough day for me at crossfitcda. 

Let me start off by saying that I can't afford a crossfit membership unless I clean house for my parents twice a month and donate plasma.  Donating plasma definitely wipes me out.  So I'm not sure if today was so hard because I gave plasma yesterday or if it was just really hard in general. 

We started off with a 400 meter run and then did all sorts of different lunges back and forth across the gym floor.  I watch the other people and it just seems to easy for them.  I wonder how well they'd do these exercises if they had 90 pounds of extra flesh on their bodies.  It irritates me that some of the moves we do are literally impossible for me because of my extra weight.  The padding keeps me from contorting my body in the way I want.  I must say that I didn't really notice before I started crossfit, just how much my fat gets in the way.  The more I'm there, the more angry I get that I ever let myself get to this point.  I know I know......eventually it'll come off, I understand that.  I really do, but for now I'm angry and frustrated.

Our skill set today was front squats with a barbell and adding weight to it with each set that we did.  The way I had to hold my arms seemed very awkward to me.  This movement definitely didn't come naturally for me.  It's been fun to learn all these new movements.  I kind of feel like a bit of a bad ass when I use the barbell.  haha 

Our WOD was to run 800 meters, then do three rounds of

15 ring dips (I did push ups)

20 walking lunges

after you did three rounds of those then you finished off the WOD with another 400 meter run.

Most people finished between 5 and 8 minutes.  It took me 15 minutes to complete it.  Derek asked if I wanted to modify the workout and cut it down a bit, but I said no.  I really wanted to say yes, but at the same time, I know I need to keep pushing myself way out of my comfort zone.   

By the time I'd finished most people had already stretched out and were leaving.  I was on the verge of a full fledged cry-a-thon three different times.  I've never pushed myself this hard.  These workouts are so incredibly painful and for some reason when I get to where I don't think I can do another lunge, I feel the need to cry.  I'd rather chew my own arm off than cry.  I avoid crying at all costs.  I'll bite the inside of my cheeks so the pain will distract me from crying.  For some reason crossfit brings out the tears in me.  How aggravating!

I suppose I should be happy that I completed the workout......and I guess I am......sorta.  Today I just feel like the outcast who can't keep up and it's disheartening.   Oh well.  Upward and onward.

As I was driving home I passed a grocery store that is about a mile from my house.  Each time I drive by it, the reader board catches my eye.  I tend to drive by each time it flashes it's sale on donuts.  Oh my goodness I love donuts.  It's weird for me to pass the grocery store while I dream of eating donuts all the while my body is throbbing with pain and agony from my workout.  I suppose each time I resist the temptation of quitting or eating several donuts, I should be glad that I'm changing my life and those burdensome chains don't hold me down anymore.

Tonight my crossfit is offering free babysitting from 6:30-8:30.  So hubby and I are going to have a couple hours to ourselves while the kids play. 


Have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend.♥

Humiliated

This has been a very tough week.  Losing my grandmother and dealing with my weird flu like issues has taken it's toll on me emotionally.  I woke up last night to the worst stomach pain.  I just curled up in a ball and cried, it hurt so bad.  I wish I knew what was causing it.  I don't know if it's some weird stomach bug, or if there is something more serious going on. 

I woke up still feeling not quite "normal" but decided to head to CrossFit anyway.  After the warm up I could tell my endurance just wasn't there.  I had no more pep left.  I slowly made it through the skill set, trying to reserve as much energy as I had for the WOD.  We had three rounds 21, 15, 9 of dumbbell thrusters and 400 meters of either rowing or running. 

I grabbed the 15 lb dumbbells and did my 21 thrusters and realized that they were too heavy.  I could see all these small women using 25lbs and up, but unfortunately I'm just not there yet.  I set the dumbbells aside and climbed onto the rower.  I was able to bust out the 1st 400 meters without too much pain and found myself a lighter pair of dumbbells and did another 15 thrusters.  The second round of rowing was much harder.  I kept closing my eyes trying to focus on why I was there.  I thought about how I'm changing my life, and forcing myself to do something I've always wanted to do.  I was pouring sweat by the end of that round.  Round three, Megan found me and told me to do my last round of thrusters without taking any stops or breaks.  I was starting to get frustrated with myself because about half of the people in my class had already finished and were just standing around waiting for the rest of us.  I started to feel self conscious.  I finished my thrusters and reluctantly slinked over to the rower for one last 400 meter row.  About 100 meters in and everything in my brain told me to stop.  I was in too much pain, breathing was becoming difficult, my muscles couldn't pull anymore.............that's when Megan found me again.  She stood behind me and kept encouraging me to finish strong.  The last 50 meters I could feel the tears well up in my eyes and I tried to blink them back.  I finally finished my workout and I just sat on the rower, exhausted and I couldn't force back the tears any longer.  I just sat there and sobbed for a good two solid minutes.  So many emotions and thoughts were running through my head.  Why did I let myself get so out of shape, why couldn't I be better, or stronger, or anything other than what I was.  I felt so much self hate at that moment.  When I was finally able to stop the tears I turned around and realized the entire class was sitting there waiting for me to get off the effing rower so we could all do a cool down stretch together.

I could feel my face burn with humiliation.  Here I was on display for the class while I cried and they sat there waiting for me to finish.  Could I be any more of a freaking loser?!  I did my cool down stretches and bolted out of there.  I sat in my car and cried again.  I know I'm only in my 1st month at CrossFit but I'm so ready to be stronger.....mentally and physically. 

What I ate today:

Breakfast~bacon and eggs

post workout~small chocolate protein shake

Lunch~greek salad with chicken

Dinner~paleo chicken soup