Thursday, October 16, 2014

Private Coaching

Well I have had 3 private crossfit sessions under my belt.  Each one feels better than the last.  Meagan has been super patient as I fumble my way through the workouts she gives me.  I'm amazed at how the small mini workouts she gives me tired me out so easily. 

I realize that I have been not very forgiving of myself.  I want to be over the whole cancer crap but the truth is my body is still very weak from the chemo and it's going to take a while for me to bounce back physically.  I look in the mirror and all I see is a girl who got fatter while battling cancer.  Like somehow what happened to my body during the last 9 months is my fault.  I think other people view me in the same light.  Maybe if I had lost my hair then others and myself could see me as someone who is RECOVERING from cancer.  I'm not saying I wish I lost my hair, more like it's easy to just assume I'm fine because I don't look like I battled anything.  

I have three more one on one coaching classes and then I'm back in group classes.  The thought excites and terrifies me.  I wish I wasn't so afraid of what everyone thinks of me all the freaking time.  I HATE IT!  I want more than anything to not care what other's think of me.  Ever since I was a little girl my mother would make comments about me and my weight or my hair or my skin or whatever she thought was imperfect.  I remember walking into a store with her and she says to me, do you see all these people looking at you?  I replied, no.  She said, "they're not looking at you because you're pretty, it's because you have such a large behind.  They can't help but look.  You should really think about losing some weight".  It really wasn't until that moment that I really started feeling insecure with myself and started worrying about what other's were thinking about me.   The phrase "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me" is about the biggest lie ever told!  I think words can cause some very deep wounds that can last decades or even a lifetime. 

The good news is that I'm feeling that fire start to grow.  The fire that I can change my life, I can be the person I've always wanted to be, I can get healthy and fit.  It's a tiny flame but with each workout and each day that I eat healthy I feel it slowly growing bigger and bigger.  I want to be a person who is full of joy and life, who takes risks and has fun, who isn't afraid of what people think of her and is an inspiration to those who feel stuck. 
I had my before pictures taken at the beginning of last week.  I'm going to take more three months from now and will post them to see what I've accomplished.  I'm eating super clean, mostly paleo and feel good.  I'm determined to go into this holiday season will fresh resolve to change my life once and for all.  

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

First Crossfit workout after cancer

I met with Meagan today.  We did a 30 minute, one on one "class".  She wanted to see where I was physically.  I'll be doing several one on one classes until she feels I'm ready to rejoin the regular classes.  I was so nervous today.  I could hardly eat any lunch and I just wanted to crawl under the covers of my bed and not come back out. 

She had me start off on the airdyne bike to get the blood flowing.  I had the hardest time even getting my fat ass on the darn thing.  Literally took me 30 seconds of floundering before I was able to hoist myself up onto the seat.  As I warmed up, Meagan told me that we are going to be going at a very slow pace.  She's going to essentially be "babying" me, until I can work back up to more normal workouts. 

All I can say was what little I did today was very VERY hard for me.  My muscles felt so weak and my body felt so heavy.  Mentally I want to walk back in and just jump right in to where I left off.  That's just not going to happen.  It kills me, KILLS ME, to start back at the beginning.  I wasn't even able to finish the uber tiny WOD she created for me.  I felt to sick to my stomach I just couldn't finish.  I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to kick my feet and throw a tantrum.  My mind is SOO ready to be back but my body is no where near on the same page. 

Finding myself at the beginning again is almost more than I can take. I feel like I shouldn't have fallen so far back down the ladder.  Somehow I should've been able to keep up with everything.  I know deep down that's insane.  I had cancer, I was on a chemo that ravished my body, and yet I feel like I somehow failed.  I can only hope that with each class I attend, that it'll get better and better. 
My best pal is doing bootcamp right now and I constantly tell her not to get discouraged, that this is all part of the process, blah blah blah.  I really need to heed my own advice.  Why is it so easy to give others grace and forgiveness but we are so hard on ourselves? 
My next class is in 3 days.  My goal until is to eat as clean as possible, take my vitamins and drink lots of water.  

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Cancer Free and heading back to Crossfit

OMGoodness what a whirl wind life has been.  After I was told I'd have to be on chemo for another year or so I really started digging into other options.  I found a local Mohs surgeon who was able to do my surgery in July and I was able to quit chemo for good.  It's been 2 1/2 months since then and my incision still hasn't completely closed up.  My body is VERY slow at healing itself due to the chemo.  I was told it could easily take a year for my body to heal itself from all the chemo side effects. 

I went up 3 sizes while on the meds but am down 2 so far.  I still get tired very easily, and also am struggling with migraines to bad they make my physically ill.  I'm anxious for life to get back to "normal".  I contacted my crossfit and will start back up on Monday Oct. 13th.  I'm super freaked out to be going back.  I feel like I've lost all the gains I made while there.  They keep telling me it shouldn't take more than 2-3 months to get back to where I was......I hope they're right!