BOOBS AND BUTTS

My schedule got all wonky and so I ended up running today and will go to crossfit Thursday and Friday.  No matter how hard I try to carefully plan my week of workouts, things always seem to come up and throw everything off.  Oh well, I supposed that is just life in a nutshell. 

My run today went GREAT!  Who am I?  How did I just write that my run went great?!  I keep researching beginner running for those that are overweight.  Today I slowed my pace a bit.  I concentrated really hard on take long, deep breaths in through the nose and out the mouth.  I'm also making sure I'm not running on the balls of my feet and that I keep my chest up so I can get plenty of oxygen when I'm breathing.  It's just all getting a little bit easier with each run.  I didn't feel like I was going to die.  I'm in shock!  I am so flipping excited that I'm changing my life one piece at a time.

I used to think that if I woke up one day and I was slim, that I'd be able to keep it that way, and I'd change my life in order to stay thin.  After a zillion crazy diets and exercise regimes, I realize now that for me the only thing that's going to make me keep my weight off, is tons of hard work.  When you work hard for something you tend to respect it more. 

So yesterday I was out watering my flowers and my husband was sitting on the front porch directly behind me.  He said that he could really see my legs are starting to slim down.  Really?!  They still feel huge to me.  Today I stood with my behind facing the mirror.  What did I see?  I saw that the girl who had a double behind 4 months ago, now has just a smidge over one behind.  haha  I'm thrilled! 

For anyone reading this that is heavy and is getting into running here is a small tidbit of advice.  We don't have much money.  We definitely live paycheck to paycheck and the only way I can afford to have a cell phone and do crossfit is by donating plasma and cleaning houses.  There is zero money for extras.  Well for girls who have big breasts like I do, it's insane how expensive a nice sports bra is.  I looked at several and they were all right around $100 each!  My sister mentioned a co-worker of hers puts a cheapy sports bra over her regular bra and claimed it worked wonders.  I was quite skeptical, but also desperate for some better support.  I tried it a couple months ago, and I'm a total believer!  You can get a $10 sports bra from walmart and put it over your regular bra.  You'll be shocked at how well they work together.  The best part is, it's cheap and it's not anymore uncomfortable that just a regular sports bra is. 

SHITEE

Yesterday was a very long, very exhausting day.  I cleaned for several hours at my aunt's house.  I seriously dislike cleaning houses, but it helps pay for crossfit so I can't really complain.  As I was scrubbing the many toilets I just kept reminding myself that I was teaching my children a good lesson in working hard for what you want.  My son had a friend spend the night, so after cleaning I had to google something to make for dinner that was kid friendly and gluten free, since his friend has a severe gluten intolerance.  After dinner was made and cleaned up, we went and rented the kids a movie and took them out for ice cream.  I didn't get to bed until close to midnight.  I was up again at 6am because the kids were up and being noisy.  I did not want to put on my workout clothes and go to crossfit.  *yawn*

I did end up going after all.  I'm glad I did.  Our warm up was a 400 meter partner medicine ball run.  I'd throw the ball to my partner who'd run about 10-15 in front of me.  Once they caught the ball, I'd run 10-15 feet in front of them and they'd throw the ball to me.  Back and forth, for 400 meters.  It was actually kind of fun.  =)  Did I just say that?!?!

Our skill set was several rounds of various lunges, kettle bell exercises, and using the ab rollers. 

The WOD was a 12 minute AMRAP (as many rounds/reps as possible).

We did 5 pull ups, 10 shitees, and 20 double unders.  Over and over and over for 12 minutes.


Now I googled shittee's to see if I could find a good picture to demonstrate what they were and all I could find was was various info directly from my crossfit.  So I'm going to go out on a limb here and assume that it's a move or a name that my crossfit made up.  I must admit, the name accurately describes how they make a person feel after doing them.  Pretty dang shitty(ee).  ;)

You stand up, bend over, and put your hands on the ground.  You jump back with your feet into a push up position.  Then you jump back up with your feet so they're on the outside of where your hands are on the ground, then you jump back again, then forward....over and over without standing up or resting.  It was not easy to jump back and forth with my big behind.  My arms were so tired trying to keep me up. 

I was able to barely complete 6 rounds.  Halfway through the AMRAP, Derek told me to do 30 single unders instead of the 60 single unders I was doing each round.  Normally if the WOD says to do double unders and you are not physically able to do them, then they triple that number for single unders.  So I did 60 for 3 rounds and my last 3 rounds I did just 30. 

One of the gals I see working out when I'm there, came up to me today and told me that I did awesome today.  She said I "killed the workout".  That meant so much to me!!!  I need to make more of an effort to tell others when I notice them doing awesome as well.  We all need to hear it and we're all there for the same reasons.....to better ourselves.  I'll be going again tomorrow and then again on Friday. 

Would it be too terrible of me to put a movie on for the kids and take a teeny nap?  I'm so so so tired!

At the beginning (photos)

Ok, so on March 25th I started my crossfit journey.  It's been 4 months now and so many things have changed.  My outlook on life is much better.  Overall I feel happier.  For the first time in, I don't know how long, I actually feel proud of what I'm doing.  Sometimes after I get out of the shower I look in the mirror and am still horrified at the reflection.  I'll look at myself trying to see any positive changes.  I don't find many.  There are times where I feel just as huge and when I started.  Sometimes I even let those negative thoughts pull me down and I start to doubt the whole process. 

Yesterday I pulled out some photos I took a few years ago.  When I started crossfit I was the same weight (within 3 lbs) and same exact clothing size as I was in the "before" photos.  When I looked at them and then looked at the picture I had my son take a few days ago, I could see a huge difference.  Anyway, without further ado, here are my before photos.

Here is the photo I took 4 days ago.

So I printed these pictures today and brought them in with me today to crossfit.  I wanted to show my trainers just how much my body has changed in the last 4 months.  They were shocked and super happy for me.  It's easy not to see it when the changes are gradual.  After I showed Meagan, she asked if, at my 6 month mark, would I be up for writing a bio/testimony for them to post on their blog and to put on their website for others to see along with pics from the beginning, 4 months in and then 6 months in.  She said a lot of people refuse to even consider crossfit because they're so out of shape and or heavy and that them reading my testimony and seeing my photos would be an inspiration to others who maybe are considering it, but are doubtful they will succeed.

I'm overwhelmed and honored that they'd even ask me!  The girl who had a complete and epic meltdown on Wednesday....they want her to inspire others!  I must say that them even asking me makes me want to make sure I keep my toes in line and work my hardest during these next two months.  I feel super motivated now.  =)

Today's workout was SO much better than Wednesday's.  We started off with line drills back and forth.  Then Derek showed us how to do dips on the Olympic rings.  I am neither light enough, nor strong enough to do them, so he had me practicing push-ups and planks.   Our WOD was 50 dips (he had me do 35 push ups) a 400 meter farmer walk, and 50 over head squats.  I carried 25 lb dumbbells in each hand as I walked 400 meters as fast as I could.  They didn't feel too bad at first, but by the time I was almost done, I was having a super hard time not letting the dumbbells drop.  I'm thrilled that I didn't stop and I didn't put down the bells until I got back inside the building.  My forearms were on FIRE!  I used about a 25lb pipe to do the over head squats.  Most people used weighted barbells.  Those squats were brutal, but I finished in 11 minutes and 26 seconds.  I felt great and was pumped!

Tomorrow I'll be doing a C25K run and Sunday I plan on being lazy lazy lazy.  Can't wait!  On a good note, hubby and I are working through our issues and he's going to get the help he needs.  He didn't cheat on me and never has, he just wasn't behaving as a married man ought to behave.  I'll leave it at that. 

I hope you all have a really relaxing and wonderful weekend.

Epic Meltdown

Today's WOD was labeled "Turrible"....in dedication to Charles Barkley.  Anyhoo, today's workout was indeed terrible. 

It was a total of 9 rounds. 

First round was 9 sets of dumbbell thrusters, followed by lunges to the other end of the gym, then 9 box jumps, and lastly bear crawls back to the beginning. 

2nd round was 8 sets, and so on and so forth.  We got 20 minutes to try and complete all 9 rounds.  Derek told our group (I was bunched with the two pregnant women) to start at 7 sets and go down to 1.  After just the first couple of rounds my heart rate was sky high and I was finding it hard to catch my breath.  By the time I finished my 5th round Derek asked me if I was feeling ok and I told him I was.  I mean, I was exhausted, but all in all I was fine.  I got down to the last round and the 20 minute mark was fast approaching.  Meagan encouraged me to finish my bear crawl back to the beginning and I barely did it.  At this point, my emotions just took over and I sat on my knees and just lost it.  All the emotion from the last few days with my husband and the emotion from pushing myself past any limit I thought I had, just came pouring out of me. 

I was so angry with myself.  I HATE CRYING SO FLIPPING MUCH!  Derek and Meagan pulled me outside so I could calm down.  Derek thought I was crying because I pushed myself too far.  It took a few minutes of me just explaining that it wasn't that.  I was just proud of myself for doing something I've never ever ever done before!  When things get hard, my entire life I've always quit.  Literally every single time.  For the first time in 33 years, I'm pushing myself despite how hard it is and I'm not quitting.  That's extremely emotional for me.  The girl who used to turn to cake or pasta when life got hard is now turning to working out and eating right.  I finally convinced him and he went back inside.  Meagan asked me how everything else in my life was going and I lost it again.  I explain the situation with my husband and how I blame myself for his actions.  I blame my fatness on him doing what he does.  She was very understanding and gave me some great advice.  I can't thank her enough.  This journey I'm on is hard.  I can't put into words just how hard it is. 

I drove home and just sobbed the entire time.  Once those floodgates were opened, it's hard to pull it back together.  I'm exhausted physically and mentally today.  I'm thankful that tomorrow I get a bit of a break and will be running instead of going to crossfit. 

I will make this lifestyle change.  I will become an athlete.  I will succeed, I don't care how hard it is. 

measurements

I didn't sleep well again last night.  I moved my crossfit workout from 9:30am to noon so I could get some much needed sleep.  I don't like going at noon.   It's super hot and there is no air conditioning in the gym.  Anyhoo, I made it and I did something today I haven't been able to do before.  I was able to hang from the pull up bar.  I know for most people that sounds like a stupid thing to be excited about, but for me this is huge.  I could hang on for 8 or 9 seconds.  I was able to do some of the latt work on the bar.  Basically engaging your lateral muscles and bringing your body up a few inches while hanging on.  I was very happy to see my progress. 

This morning I took my measurements.  I think I mentioned my husband throwing our scale away so I have no idea what I weigh.....and that's ok with me.  I've lost 25 inches off my body since starting crossfit.  4 inchs off each thigh.  woohoo!  My clothes are fitting a bit looser with each passing week.  Nothing astronomical, but a definite difference. 

I feel really good today.  I realized I've been at crossfit now for 4 months.  I've stuck with it!  I haven't quit.  This is probably the longest I've ever stuck to anything.  I'm super happy about that!  I'm making good choices one day at a time.  I can't even wait to see where I'll be a year from now.  I'm slowly peeling away the layers of myself that I can't stand and with each layer I'm finding the person I've always wanted to be.  Someone strong mentally and physically and who pushes forward despite life's bumps in the road. 

Couch to 5K

I did it!  I strapped on my running shoes and completed my 1st Couch To 5K workout. 

I will admit I took a quick 2 minute break to run into the house and use the restroom.  I just ran around the block over and over and over.  Since my husband is out of town, I didn't feel comfortable leaving the kids to fend for themselves.  They sat in the front yard and watch me.  Sometimes they ran with me and other times they rode their bikes while I ran.  Actually this first week of training you walk briskly for 5 minutes and then alternate 60 seconds of running and 90 seconds of walking.  At the end you do another 5 min cool down walk. 

I had my son take before and after pictures of me.  The after picture does not even come close to capturing just how soaked I was. 

BEFORE

 

AFTER

 

Anyhoo, just thought I'd make a post proving that I did indeed run.  ;)

When life hands you lemons............

It's been a rough 24 hours.  My husband and I have been battling some major issues with our marriage our entire 11 years together.  I found out yesterday that what I thought was behind us, is now staring me right in the face.  AGAIN.  I cried until 4am and then finally fell asleep.  I decided to switch Monday's crossfit to Tuesday since I had NO energy to go after only a few hrs of sleep.  Instead I will start my couch to 5k program today. 
This is my plan for this week.


Monday~ C25K
Tuesday~CrossFit
Wednesday~CrossFit
Thursday~C25K
Friday~CrossFit
Saturday~C25K

I'm going to do my best to channel my hurt and anger to fuel my workouts.  I can only fix me.  I can't fix others.  I have no control over the choices that others make.  I can only control me.  I think I'm going to have to repeat that to myself over and over but it's true and it needs to sink in. 

Instead of dwelling on my own sorrows today, I'm going to take my kids to the movies and possibly the library.  I'm thankful my husband is gone on business for the entire week.  It'll give me a chance to collect my thoughts. 

I hope you all have a very positive week ahead.

Personal Records

Today was a much better day than yesterday.  My energy levels were back up and I was feeling more positive. 

We worked on dead lifts today.  I was able to lift 150 lbs once, a few weeks ago.  Today I was able to lift 160 lbs several times.  AND and and and I did box jumps.  They weren't the 20 inch boxes that are recommended for girls, but I'm getting there.  I'm not sure how high my box was.  NO more than 10 inches I'd say.  So it's still very modified, but at least I'm jumping now and not doing step ups. 

Every muscle in my entire body feels tight and sore.  I'm thankful I'll have the weekend to rest and relax.  This should be a good weekend too, we have no plans and my in-laws are back in Texas.  Woohoo!

Just not feeling it..........

What is wrong with me?!  I feel like I'm in a mental and physical fog.  I feel depressed and moody.  I don't know if it's stress about my husband's job change, financial problems or what.  I didn't go to crossfit on Monday because of my horrible sunburn.  On Wednesday it looked like this....

I can't even describe the pain I was in.  Nothing I put on it helped.  I had to take Ibuprofen throughout the day just to get by.  A friend called me and told me to try yellow mustard.  To slather it on and let it dry.  It sounded insane, but I was desperate enough to give it a go.  Within 20 minutes most of the pain had gone away.  Hurray!  I didn't even care that I smelled like a walking deli.  Today I was finally able to wear a bra again, so I went to crossfit.  I will go again tomorrow.  At least I'll be able to get in two workouts this week.  Not what I was hoping for, but it is what it is. 

I felt super run down during my workout.  Almost like I was starting all over again.  I felt weak, sick to my stomach, and just mentally not with it.  Ugh!   I hope this feeling is short lived, because I want to feel on top of the world again.

Next week I'm going to start my training for a 5K.  I plan on training Tues, Thurs, and Saturday's.  So with crossfit, I'll be "working out" 6 days a week.  I'd really like to start seeing the lbs start coming off.  Or at least my clothes start getting bigger.  I have seen some changes, but not as many as I'd like.  I did let my eating slack a bit while my in-laws were in town.  It's time to get back into strict paleo. 

On another note, I got an invite to attend our crossfit's annual beach party.  I want to go....kind of....but the scared part of me is like, "THERE IS NO WAY ON EARTH I'M GOING TO GET INTO A SWIMMING SUIT WITH ALL THE OTHER CROSSFITTERS".  How can I?!?!?!?!  Everyone in their bikini's with their lean arms and legs.........yeah right!  I'm pissed at myself that I refuse to go to a function that I would like to go to because I'm too self conscious.  It makes me physically ill just thinking about going.  I don't belong in that group of people!  I belong under a rock.  (can you tell i'm not very positive today?)  

Sunburns and Triathlons

Today is the last day I'll see my in-laws for a whole year!  Is it wrong to say just how happy that makes me?  I must say that I'm quite proud of myself.  I've held my ground and not let my mother-in-law walk all over me.  I've been kind and have done everything in my power to hold my tongue and not say anything snarky or rude.  All in all in was quite a successful visit, although it was stressful, it went about as smooth as it could, considering who I was dealing with.  What an answer to prayer!

We've been busy bee's while they've been here.  We went cherry and raspberry picking, rode a gondola, had picnics, went to the beach, had dinner out, movies, etc etc.  We went to the beach on Saturday.  I, Erica Lynn Kovacs, took off my clothes at the beach and didn't cover my flaws in front of my in-laws.  I swam with my kids and chose to enjoy myself instead of hide under layers of clothing.  I was very proud of myself.  I wasn't proud of my white, jello legs, but was proud I didn't let fear stand in my way of spending quality time with my kids. 


I'm a pale girl.  Like super pale.  I like to say that I reflect the sun I'm so white.  While at the beach I used some 50 spf sunscreen.  Apparently it was expired.  I didn't realize this until I got home 4 hours later and went to take a shower and when I took off my swimming suit I saw a red lobster girl in the mirror.  I was insanely red. Here's a picture I took with my phone after I got out of the shower.  It continued to redden and blister as the evening went on.

 My forehead and nose are so burned they're covered in water blisters.  My chest and shoulders hurt so bad I can't even wear a bra.  I tried to put on my sports bra for crossfit this morning and I couldn't do it.  It hurt so incredibly bad.  This is definitely the worst burn I've ever had.  I'm putting aloe on it every hour and doing everything I can to help it heal quickly.  I'm hoping that by tomorrow it'll be less painful so I can at least wear a bra.  I'm determined to get in my 3 crossfit workouts this week. 

On a different note, I was talking to hubby the other night about where I see myself in the next few years.  I told him that I want to start running 5K's and maybe even do like a mini triathlon.  I really really really want to be part of those types of competitions.  I have no desire to actually win but just to do them and actually finish.  I'm super excited about the prospect of actually becoming this athlete I keep dreaming about.  My dear sweet hubby just looked at me and said that he knows I can do it and that he can't wait to be cheering me on when I get there.  I love that man! 

Speaking of running.......I still hate it.....still loathe it with ever fiber of my being.........but it doesn't scare me as much as it did.  I will take that as a huge step in the right direction.

15 years

I wrote this nice long blog and then I somehow erased the entire thing.  So annoying!!!!!!!!!!  Grrr!  Now you get the super short version. 

A friend I haven't seen in 15 years came and is visiting her family.  She's an avid crossfitter and while in town she decided to come and workout with me today.  I can't even tell you how awesome that was! 

Today's WOD was quite a bit of running and using the airdyne bikes.  blech!  I'm noticing a trend.....they seem to be having us run 400 meters as a warm up to the WOD's, even though we're already warmed up by doing the .....WARM UP and skill sets.  I'm starting to think they have it out for me and want to see me die. 

I'll be visiting my sister in Boise in fall and will be running a 5K with her, so I really shouldn't be complaining about the running in crossfit.  If anything it's helping me build my running endurance, which I need to be doing anyway. 

Well it's super late and I have to get up very early tomorrow.  Just had to let you know that I'm still on the plan and still working out.  Have a great weekend!

I didn't wear any pants!

How is it Monday already?!  What a whirl wind of a week!!  I'm still not completely well.  I still have a lingering cough, but for the most part I'm feeling much better.  We've spent most of this past week outdoors.  It's been hot and sunny and really just perfect weather. 

I've mentioned before that I have a very active husband and for most of the past 11 years of marriage I have chosen not to be active with him.  I told myself that this year I was going to do everything he did.  If he goes hiking, I go hiking, if he goes to the beach to swim then......GASP......I will put on a swimming suit and go to the beach to swim.  The beach is the hardest for me.  I haven't worn just a swimming suit to the beach since I was in grade school.  I'd wear shorts over my suit to hide my thighs or a shirt to hide my tummy.  Anyway we went to the beach last weekend and as soon as we got our chairs and umbrella set up, I quickly took off my shirt and pants.  I stood there on the beach in nothing but my swimming suit and sunglasses.  I looked around to see if anyone was going blind from all my grossness.....but no one seemed to notice, let alone give two craps. 

As time went on that day I saw several people who were in much worse shape than I was....and they all ran around in their swimming suits without a care in the world.  A few even wore bikinis!!!!!   They didn't seem to care, so why do I?  The best part of the day was swimming with my kids.  They were tickled pink that I got in the water with them.  This is what life is all about!  Spending time with the ones you love, not sitting on the beach, wearing pants and stressing over how fat you are.  For some reason I've had it in my head that unless you are perfect at something, you don't even try it.  Ever since I was a small child, that's how I've felt about life. 

Long story short, I went to the beach several times this past week and each time I've taken off my shirt and pants and have tried my best to not let my fears and insecurities cloud my thinking.  I still hate how I look, but this is who I am today and I'm working on changing what I don't like.  So until I become a major babe, I'm going to strut my white flabby dimpled legs at the beach.  ;)

I did go to crossfit today.  Today was beyond hard.  I can tell that I don't have my full strength back from being so sick.  The smallest things just wear me out completely.  We started off with junkyard dog.  I was ready to quit after that.  Our skill set was 4 rounds of various kettle bell exercises.  Again, would've loved to have grabbed my keys and headed home afterwards.  Our WOD was 3 rounds of running 400 meters and 15 over head squats with a weighted bar.  I used a super light bar.  This was my first time doing over head squats, so the movement for me was more important than the weight. 

We stood up at the white board while Jonathan filled us in on what the WOD entailed.  He then told us that we were going to do a "warm up" run before we started the WOD.  What the heck?! Nononononono NO NO NOOOOOOOOO!!!  I wanted to cry.  Running is my enemy! So we all lined up outside and did our warm up 400 meter run.  Oh my goodness.  I was spent by the time I made it back inside.  I was the last one in, as usual. 

As they counted down the seconds until we started the WOD I just kept praying that I wouldn't get sick.  I was starting to already feel slightly nauseous.  I ran 400 meters the 1st round, then did 15 OHS (over head squats) and then Meagan and Jonathan both told me to just run 200 meters the last two rounds.  My 2nd round was painful.  I got the worst stitch in my side while running.  UGH!!  My 3rd round brought out the tears again.  My eyes started to water and I could feel a cry-a-thon start to build.  I bit the insides of my cheeks as hard as I could to stop myself from crying.  I finished my 3rd round in 11 min 38 seconds.  I believe I got the worst time and I was the only one (I believe) who modified the run.  So yeah....once again......I'm in dead last.  Oh well.  At least I showed up, I tried my best, and I did everything they asked me to do. 

My in-laws arrive tomorrow.  My anxiety is building with each approaching day.  I feel like I'm going to throw up just thinking about it.  I'm praying that God gives me peace of mind while they are here and that this would be an enjoyable visit unlike every other visit that's ever occurred thus far. 

Sick and tired..............

I'm still really sick and still super tired.  =(  I've now proceeded to get my husband sick as well as my son.  This is all quite frustrating!  We're supposed to leave to go camping on Wednesday for a two night getaway.  I'm not sure if it'll workout now or not. 

Obviously crossfit is out of the question for today and we'll be gone Wednesday -Friday.  *sigh*  I think I'd rather be killing myself in the gym that sitting on the couch coughing, sneezing, can't breathe out of my nose or hear out of my right ear. 

I'm not eating horrible, but I'm also not eating great.  I've been having small amounts of ice cream to help soothe my incredibly sore throat.  We've been having lots of meat on the grill, salmon, chicken, steaks, etc and then side salads for dinners.  I don't have the energy to be cooking much more than that. 

Anyhoo, I hope you all have a wonderful 4th.  I doubt I'll blog again until next Monday.  I fully plan on feeling better and kick butt in the gym.