cancer update

I officially have dermatofibrosarcoma protuberans or DFSP.  It's a super rare skin cancer.  It's not caused from the sun, as most people assume and it's usually found in areas of the body that see little to no sun.  It's slow growing and most people are misdiagnosed for years and year, just like I was. 

I officially meet with the oncologist Monday morning.  From talking to the financial advisor, it sounds like the Dr.  wants me to start chemo asap.  This specific cancer drug costs $10,000 per month!  She's going to try and see if she can get me a free 90 day supply.  Can you believe how expensive it is?! 

I contacted crossfit and told them they needed to put my membership on hold.  I will not be able to continue the high intensity workouts during this process.  I still plan on getting exercise, just on a much smaller level.  I still can't believe all this is happening to me.  My biggest worry a week ago was how I was going to scrape together $500 to pay for the removal of what I thought were cysts.  Seems pathetic to what I have to face now.  Between surgeries, MRI's, CAT scans, chemo, labs, etc, I'm going to guess this is easily going to cost $100,000 or more.  I have no idea how it's all going to work itself out, but I have to have faith that it will. 

Very rare does this cancer spread, but it does have a high chance of coming back over and over again.  To be honest, reading all the side effects of the chemo has me a nervous wreck.  This is just so much......so very much to worry about.  My husband starts his night job this Sunday evening.  My rock and comfort will be gone working when I need him the most. 

At this point I'm just trying to take it day by day, hour by hour.  Looking too far in advance just scared the poo outta me. 

It's cancer.

C A N C E R   Is there an uglier word.  Both my Dr.s told me it wasn't cancer and yet the pathology report came back today and said it was.  Apparently it's a super rare cancer that does not spread to other parts of the body, which is a good thing.  If they can remove it all during surgery, you're cured.  Still..........I've been shaken to the core.  I'm scared, really really scared.  I won't know anything further until I meet with the surgeon Monday afternoon. 

hurtful phone call and a biopsy

I have a large cluster of cysts under my left breast and got much bigger once I started crossfit.  I'm guessing because of the irritation of the sports bras.  Anyway I had some a few years ago and had them surgically removed about 1 1/2 yrs ago.  Unfortunately they've come back with a vengeance.  They are incredibly tender and hurt ALL the time.  My husband and I cannot afford health insurance but we do have a family Dr. who we pay a couple hundred dollars a month to and in turn we can see him as many times as we want at no charge.  He can do basic minor surgeries, cast a broken bone, and do many things that most general practitioners can't do.  He's the Dr. that removed my cysts the first time.  ANYWAY I went to see him a couple weeks ago about these new ones and he said that he couldn't do the surgery because it was too big and now there was too much scar tissue for him to remove them safely in the office.  He found a surgeon who was willing to help me at a discount and I went to see him yesterday. 

He said that  in order to treat the cysts properly he needed to do a biopsy on a couple of them and send them off to a lab.  That way he'll know exactly what he's dealing with and how to properly fix the problem. 

So I agree to have him do the biopsy right then so we could get the ball rolling.  I had NO idea it was going to be that painful or bloody!  Now the biopsies I've heard of involved a long slender needle being injected and a small amount of fluid/tissue would be extracted.  Since my cysts are not filled with fluid he had to use a biopsy plug. 

 

 

 

That is a tortue device if ever there was one.  OUCH to the mother freaking 10th degree!  He had to take two tissue samples and blood literally was pouring down the left side of my body.   My heart was beating a million miles a minute and felt like it was going to explode out of my chest.  I'm nervous to hear what we find out.  He did say that to do surgery would cost me at least $5000 and the biopsy alone was $500.  FUDGE!  I hate never having enough money. 

 

 

So needless to say today I'm sore, grouchy and feeling uber depressed.  I got a phone call this morning from the secretary of our family Dr.  She said it was time for me to come in and get an updated tetanus shot,check my cholesterol levels, and to see if I've done anything about being morbidly obese.  Then she gave me a lecture about how being obese increases the odds of developing diabetes.  As soon as I got off the phone I just burst into tears.  I feel like I've been working my tail off at changing my eating and exercising.  She just came across as completely uncompassionate and rude. 

 

I'm almost 10 months into crossfit and today I just felt like a big fat failure.  Am I ever going to get my body in shape?  Will my hard work ever pay off? 

 

To top off  the fun times, my husband starts his night job next week.  I'm scared of my life being ripped apart at the seams.  My health, financial, marriage, etc. 

 

 

Here's hoping for something positive to happen.  I don't know how much more of this I can take.

So many things!!

I'm still alive and ashamed to say that I'm a crappy blogger.  I know it's cliché to say I've been busy, but dammit, I have been!  With Christmas over, life has started getting back in a normal routine, which I'm extremely thankful for. 

A quick recap, I've been going to all my scheduled crossfit classes, exercise at home on the days I don't crossfit and have been eating 100% paleo.  Like seriously not one bite of anything nonpaleo.  Let me just say I feel GREAT!  I have more stamina , I'm sleeping better, my mood is better, and just in the last week I've lost 3 inches from my belly.  WOOT!  Mentally I feel totally "in the game". 

Here is a picture Meagan took a couple weeks ago of me doing some back squats.

I saw her pull out the camera and I immediately wanted to hide in the bathroom.  I wish I didn't critique myself so much, but I do.  It's really something I need to work harder at NOT doing.  I saw this picture and all I could see what a fat pudgy belly, fat pudgy legs, and my torso wasn't as upright as it's supposed to be during back squats.    Now if I turn off the negative voice in my head I can look at this picture and say that my ass was below my knees, which is what we strive for, the weight isn't bad and damn, I'm doing something I never thought I'd do in my wildest dreams. 

My form will continue to improve, the weight load will get heavier because I'll get stronger and that's that. 

My crossfit is currently running a Paleo challenge.  We earn points for working out, doing mobility exercises, and posting daily recipes on facebook.  We have to deduct points for cheating.  We also have to take before and after photos as well as thigh and belly before and after measurements.  I am 100% in the mindset that I'm going to win.  I'm doing everything in my power, every single day, to earn that chance to win.  I feel in my heart I want it more than anyone else and I tell anyone that will listen to me that I will be the big winner.  I'm 10 days in and feel awesome!  Our last day is Valentines day.  Woohoo! 

I will try to get better at blogging.  I promise.  =)