Today's WOD was labeled "Turrible"....in dedication to Charles Barkley. Anyhoo, today's workout was indeed terrible.
It was a total of 9 rounds.
First round was 9 sets of dumbbell thrusters, followed by lunges to the other end of the gym, then 9 box jumps, and lastly bear crawls back to the beginning.
2nd round was 8 sets, and so on and so forth. We got 20 minutes to try and complete all 9 rounds. Derek told our group (I was bunched with the two pregnant women) to start at 7 sets and go down to 1. After just the first couple of rounds my heart rate was sky high and I was finding it hard to catch my breath. By the time I finished my 5th round Derek asked me if I was feeling ok and I told him I was. I mean, I was exhausted, but all in all I was fine. I got down to the last round and the 20 minute mark was fast approaching. Meagan encouraged me to finish my bear crawl back to the beginning and I barely did it. At this point, my emotions just took over and I sat on my knees and just lost it. All the emotion from the last few days with my husband and the emotion from pushing myself past any limit I thought I had, just came pouring out of me.
I was so angry with myself. I HATE CRYING SO FLIPPING MUCH! Derek and Meagan pulled me outside so I could calm down. Derek thought I was crying because I pushed myself too far. It took a few minutes of me just explaining that it wasn't that. I was just proud of myself for doing something I've never ever ever done before! When things get hard, my entire life I've always quit. Literally every single time. For the first time in 33 years, I'm pushing myself despite how hard it is and I'm not quitting. That's extremely emotional for me. The girl who used to turn to cake or pasta when life got hard is now turning to working out and eating right. I finally convinced him and he went back inside. Meagan asked me how everything else in my life was going and I lost it again. I explain the situation with my husband and how I blame myself for his actions. I blame my fatness on him doing what he does. She was very understanding and gave me some great advice. I can't thank her enough. This journey I'm on is hard. I can't put into words just how hard it is.
I drove home and just sobbed the entire time. Once those floodgates were opened, it's hard to pull it back together. I'm exhausted physically and mentally today. I'm thankful that tomorrow I get a bit of a break and will be running instead of going to crossfit.
I will make this lifestyle change. I will become an athlete. I will succeed, I don't care how hard it is.
Showing posts with label cry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cry. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
Less Is More
My grandmother's memorial was very beautiful. I'm sad she's gone from us but feel peace knowing she's with her Savior.
I didn't eat the best this weekend. I had my parents and sister over for dinner Friday night. We ate grilled chicken and sausages, a big green salad, a pasta salad, and for dessert we had pound cake with homemade strawberry and huckleberry sauce to drizzle over. Saturday was the memorial and I ended up eating a cookie and 2 pieces of cheese during the gathering afterwards. We skipped lunch and were all starving. Later in the evening my brother, sister and I all went out to eat. As we sat down we realized it was the first time all three of us had done anything together since becoming adults. How strange and sad. We had a good time. We ate delicious Greek food and finished off our meal with a square of baklava. Mmmmmm!! Do I feel guilty about not staying strictly Paleo.....not really.
Yesterday after church we took the kids and the dog and went on a 3 mile hike. It wasn't some sissy hike, it was an intense, fairly steep hike up to the top of a ridge and then a steep trek back to the bottom. It took us about 2 hours. We were all pretty wiped out. I was proud of the kids for making it all the way and I was proud of myself for sticking to it. About halfway up my husband suggested to turn around and go down and I told him that none of us are handicapped and have no reason why we couldn't complete the entire hike. I think he was surprised and pleased I kept going.
I did get to attend my CrossFit class today. HURRAY!!!! One of the trainers pulled me aside and asked if I did the burpee workout they emailed me. I told him I did and that I also added a smaller kettle bell workout to it and finished up with 25 more burpees. He looked a little frustrated and then told me that I was doing too much. He said that less was more and what I did wasn't necessary. I wanted to lift up my shirt and grab all my extra flab, shake it in his face and say, really?!?!?!? It sure feels necessary when I'm such a fattie still. I was a little hurt because I felt like I really pushed myself last week to get in some great workouts despite not being able to make it into class. I have a super hard time when people criticize how I do things. I tend to retreat inward and shy away from them. He wasn't mean about it, he was just upfront and straight to the point. Apparently when he tells me to do 50 burpees that's it.....I'm not to add or change the workouts given. I need to suck it up and and not let his critique damped my spirit. Now I know and I won't make that mistake again.
Today was hard. We started off doing various types of lunges, most of which I'd never heard of before. One was called the spider-man lunge.....it was definitely my favorite.
We did lunges back and for across the gym for about 5 full minutes. My legs were burning and quivering by the end. Next we split up and did the skill sets. The advanced group went with Jonathan and the rest went with Megan. Megan had us grab a set of bars that were about 8 inches off the ground. We were to hold onto them and lift our bodies off the floor for 10 seconds and then rest for 20 seconds. I wasn't able to lift my entire body off the floor. My heels still touched, but I at least was holding about 75% of my body weight off the floor. We did that over and over and over and over. I don't know how many rounds we did. It felt like an eternity. Next we grabbed kettle bells and did 10 rounds of 8 squats while holding the bell to our chests and then 5 kettle bell rows with each arm.
By the end I looked like I dunked my head under water. Sweat was pouring off my face and my hair was matted and sticking to my wet face and neck. All my muscles were shaky and burning. It's only because others were there and I had accountability that I didn't leave and go home at that point. I didn't want to do the WOD, I was flippin' tired!!
We had about a 5 minute break and then started our WOD. We started off with 2 minutes of burpees and then did 3 rounds of
10 push ups
10 box jumps ( I did box step ups)
10 kettle bell swings over head
and then we finished off with another 2 minutes of burpees.
Those last two minutes of burpees felt like a living hell. My body is so heavy that going to the floor and back up over and over is absolute torture! I finished though and was super glad I didn't cry even though I felt like it. I just wanted to sit in the corner and bawl my eyes out. Afterwards we all did a cool down while rolling our muscles out on some foam rollers. I caught one young gal looking at me. I actually caught her several times. I immediately looked down away from her eyes, I don't like people looking at me. I looked down at my legs and saw just how fat my thighs were. Was she looking at me because I am a fattie? I always assume the worst case scenario. Oh well. I'm not there for them, I'm there for me. I'm anxious to start seeing some big results in my weight and size. Is it too much to ask to just wake up tomorrow and be thin? Hehe
What I'm eating today:
Breakfast~chocolate protein shake
after workout~turkey vegetable soup
Lunch~salad with homemade dressing and grilled chicken
Dinner~paleo stuffed peppers and sweet potato fries
Yesterday after church we took the kids and the dog and went on a 3 mile hike. It wasn't some sissy hike, it was an intense, fairly steep hike up to the top of a ridge and then a steep trek back to the bottom. It took us about 2 hours. We were all pretty wiped out. I was proud of the kids for making it all the way and I was proud of myself for sticking to it. About halfway up my husband suggested to turn around and go down and I told him that none of us are handicapped and have no reason why we couldn't complete the entire hike. I think he was surprised and pleased I kept going.
I did get to attend my CrossFit class today. HURRAY!!!! One of the trainers pulled me aside and asked if I did the burpee workout they emailed me. I told him I did and that I also added a smaller kettle bell workout to it and finished up with 25 more burpees. He looked a little frustrated and then told me that I was doing too much. He said that less was more and what I did wasn't necessary. I wanted to lift up my shirt and grab all my extra flab, shake it in his face and say, really?!?!?!? It sure feels necessary when I'm such a fattie still. I was a little hurt because I felt like I really pushed myself last week to get in some great workouts despite not being able to make it into class. I have a super hard time when people criticize how I do things. I tend to retreat inward and shy away from them. He wasn't mean about it, he was just upfront and straight to the point. Apparently when he tells me to do 50 burpees that's it.....I'm not to add or change the workouts given. I need to suck it up and and not let his critique damped my spirit. Now I know and I won't make that mistake again.
Today was hard. We started off doing various types of lunges, most of which I'd never heard of before. One was called the spider-man lunge.....it was definitely my favorite.
We did lunges back and for across the gym for about 5 full minutes. My legs were burning and quivering by the end. Next we split up and did the skill sets. The advanced group went with Jonathan and the rest went with Megan. Megan had us grab a set of bars that were about 8 inches off the ground. We were to hold onto them and lift our bodies off the floor for 10 seconds and then rest for 20 seconds. I wasn't able to lift my entire body off the floor. My heels still touched, but I at least was holding about 75% of my body weight off the floor. We did that over and over and over and over. I don't know how many rounds we did. It felt like an eternity. Next we grabbed kettle bells and did 10 rounds of 8 squats while holding the bell to our chests and then 5 kettle bell rows with each arm.
By the end I looked like I dunked my head under water. Sweat was pouring off my face and my hair was matted and sticking to my wet face and neck. All my muscles were shaky and burning. It's only because others were there and I had accountability that I didn't leave and go home at that point. I didn't want to do the WOD, I was flippin' tired!!
We had about a 5 minute break and then started our WOD. We started off with 2 minutes of burpees and then did 3 rounds of
10 push ups
10 box jumps ( I did box step ups)
10 kettle bell swings over head
and then we finished off with another 2 minutes of burpees.
Those last two minutes of burpees felt like a living hell. My body is so heavy that going to the floor and back up over and over is absolute torture! I finished though and was super glad I didn't cry even though I felt like it. I just wanted to sit in the corner and bawl my eyes out. Afterwards we all did a cool down while rolling our muscles out on some foam rollers. I caught one young gal looking at me. I actually caught her several times. I immediately looked down away from her eyes, I don't like people looking at me. I looked down at my legs and saw just how fat my thighs were. Was she looking at me because I am a fattie? I always assume the worst case scenario. Oh well. I'm not there for them, I'm there for me. I'm anxious to start seeing some big results in my weight and size. Is it too much to ask to just wake up tomorrow and be thin? Hehe
What I'm eating today:
Breakfast~chocolate protein shake
after workout~turkey vegetable soup
Lunch~salad with homemade dressing and grilled chicken
Dinner~paleo stuffed peppers and sweet potato fries
Friday, April 19, 2013
Humiliated
This has been a very tough week. Losing my grandmother and dealing with my weird flu like issues has taken it's toll on me emotionally. I woke up last night to the worst stomach pain. I just curled up in a ball and cried, it hurt so bad. I wish I knew what was causing it. I don't know if it's some weird stomach bug, or if there is something more serious going on.
I woke up still feeling not quite "normal" but decided to head to CrossFit anyway. After the warm up I could tell my endurance just wasn't there. I had no more pep left. I slowly made it through the skill set, trying to reserve as much energy as I had for the WOD. We had three rounds 21, 15, 9 of dumbbell thrusters and 400 meters of either rowing or running.
I grabbed the 15 lb dumbbells and did my 21 thrusters and realized that they were too heavy. I could see all these small women using 25lbs and up, but unfortunately I'm just not there yet. I set the dumbbells aside and climbed onto the rower. I was able to bust out the 1st 400 meters without too much pain and found myself a lighter pair of dumbbells and did another 15 thrusters. The second round of rowing was much harder. I kept closing my eyes trying to focus on why I was there. I thought about how I'm changing my life, and forcing myself to do something I've always wanted to do. I was pouring sweat by the end of that round. Round three, Megan found me and told me to do my last round of thrusters without taking any stops or breaks. I was starting to get frustrated with myself because about half of the people in my class had already finished and were just standing around waiting for the rest of us. I started to feel self conscious. I finished my thrusters and reluctantly slinked over to the rower for one last 400 meter row. About 100 meters in and everything in my brain told me to stop. I was in too much pain, breathing was becoming difficult, my muscles couldn't pull anymore.............that's when Megan found me again. She stood behind me and kept encouraging me to finish strong. The last 50 meters I could feel the tears well up in my eyes and I tried to blink them back. I finally finished my workout and I just sat on the rower, exhausted and I couldn't force back the tears any longer. I just sat there and sobbed for a good two solid minutes. So many emotions and thoughts were running through my head. Why did I let myself get so out of shape, why couldn't I be better, or stronger, or anything other than what I was. I felt so much self hate at that moment. When I was finally able to stop the tears I turned around and realized the entire class was sitting there waiting for me to get off the effing rower so we could all do a cool down stretch together.
I could feel my face burn with humiliation. Here I was on display for the class while I cried and they sat there waiting for me to finish. Could I be any more of a freaking loser?! I did my cool down stretches and bolted out of there. I sat in my car and cried again. I know I'm only in my 1st month at CrossFit but I'm so ready to be stronger.....mentally and physically.
What I ate today:
Breakfast~bacon and eggs
post workout~small chocolate protein shake
Lunch~greek salad with chicken
Dinner~paleo chicken soup
I woke up still feeling not quite "normal" but decided to head to CrossFit anyway. After the warm up I could tell my endurance just wasn't there. I had no more pep left. I slowly made it through the skill set, trying to reserve as much energy as I had for the WOD. We had three rounds 21, 15, 9 of dumbbell thrusters and 400 meters of either rowing or running.
I grabbed the 15 lb dumbbells and did my 21 thrusters and realized that they were too heavy. I could see all these small women using 25lbs and up, but unfortunately I'm just not there yet. I set the dumbbells aside and climbed onto the rower. I was able to bust out the 1st 400 meters without too much pain and found myself a lighter pair of dumbbells and did another 15 thrusters. The second round of rowing was much harder. I kept closing my eyes trying to focus on why I was there. I thought about how I'm changing my life, and forcing myself to do something I've always wanted to do. I was pouring sweat by the end of that round. Round three, Megan found me and told me to do my last round of thrusters without taking any stops or breaks. I was starting to get frustrated with myself because about half of the people in my class had already finished and were just standing around waiting for the rest of us. I started to feel self conscious. I finished my thrusters and reluctantly slinked over to the rower for one last 400 meter row. About 100 meters in and everything in my brain told me to stop. I was in too much pain, breathing was becoming difficult, my muscles couldn't pull anymore.............that's when Megan found me again. She stood behind me and kept encouraging me to finish strong. The last 50 meters I could feel the tears well up in my eyes and I tried to blink them back. I finally finished my workout and I just sat on the rower, exhausted and I couldn't force back the tears any longer. I just sat there and sobbed for a good two solid minutes. So many emotions and thoughts were running through my head. Why did I let myself get so out of shape, why couldn't I be better, or stronger, or anything other than what I was. I felt so much self hate at that moment. When I was finally able to stop the tears I turned around and realized the entire class was sitting there waiting for me to get off the effing rower so we could all do a cool down stretch together.
I could feel my face burn with humiliation. Here I was on display for the class while I cried and they sat there waiting for me to finish. Could I be any more of a freaking loser?! I did my cool down stretches and bolted out of there. I sat in my car and cried again. I know I'm only in my 1st month at CrossFit but I'm so ready to be stronger.....mentally and physically.
What I ate today:
Breakfast~bacon and eggs
post workout~small chocolate protein shake
Lunch~greek salad with chicken
Dinner~paleo chicken soup
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Running running running........
Ok, so I wrote a huge long post yesterday only to accidentally delete the entire post. Grrr! So today I will recap and it won't be nearly as long nor entertaining as the previous one was. ;)
I was pretty tired Friday morning and my brain tried to convince myself that I didn't need to go to CrossFit, but I told my brain to SHUT IT and I went anyway. As soon as I walked in and looked at that day's WOD (workout of the day) I wished I had stayed in bed.
Our warm up was a 400 meter run. Then we ran with high knees for 100m, butt kicks for 100m, backwards for 100m and skipping with high knees for the remaining 100m. I felt quite sick after all that. My lungs burned, my legs were shaking, I felt just awful. Next we went back into the box and did several leg exercises back and forth. As I looked around it seemed everyone in there was exhausted and that made me feel better. I wasn't the only one in some serious pain. Our WOD to run 800 meters for time, row 500 meters for time, and ride the airdyne bike for 1 min and try to burn as many calories as possible.
We had 45 minutes to complete those three items and could take as much time as we needed to rest in between. I took a 5 min break, drank some water and did the running first since I loathe it with every fiber of my being. I was able to jog 200m, walk 200m, jog 100m, walk 200m, jog 100m. My time was 6 min 50 sec. I got the worst time by far. I rested for another 5 min and did the bike next. I burned 16 calories in my 1 minute. I was 2nd to worst. After another 5 minute break I climbed onto the rower. I was able to row the first 300 meters without too much pain but the last 200 meters were a KILLER! Everything hurt so bad I wanted to quit and just start crying. Megan came over and stood behind me and kept telling me to pull harder, use my hips, push off with my heels faster etc etc. She was encouraging me to finish strong. The pain my muscles felt was incredible. I finished in 2min 58 seconds. I wanted to collapse and die. Lungs, legs, arms, everything burned and hurt. After collecting myself I rolled out my muscles on a foam roller and went home.
It was by far the hardest thing I've done to date at CrossFit. Although my times are far behind everyone else, I'm just happy I'm able to complete the tasks given to me. That in and of itself is very rewarding.
What I ate:
Breakfast~2 eggs, 2 turkey sausages
post workout snack~1 apple, 2 TBS almond butter
Lunch~1/2 avocado, 1/2 can of albacore tuna, 1 hard boiled egg mashed together w/ a little salt and pepper
Dinner~Paleo sloppy joe stuffed peppers and sweet potato fries
snack~2 squares dark choc with blueberries
I was pretty tired Friday morning and my brain tried to convince myself that I didn't need to go to CrossFit, but I told my brain to SHUT IT and I went anyway. As soon as I walked in and looked at that day's WOD (workout of the day) I wished I had stayed in bed.
Our warm up was a 400 meter run. Then we ran with high knees for 100m, butt kicks for 100m, backwards for 100m and skipping with high knees for the remaining 100m. I felt quite sick after all that. My lungs burned, my legs were shaking, I felt just awful. Next we went back into the box and did several leg exercises back and forth. As I looked around it seemed everyone in there was exhausted and that made me feel better. I wasn't the only one in some serious pain. Our WOD to run 800 meters for time, row 500 meters for time, and ride the airdyne bike for 1 min and try to burn as many calories as possible.
We had 45 minutes to complete those three items and could take as much time as we needed to rest in between. I took a 5 min break, drank some water and did the running first since I loathe it with every fiber of my being. I was able to jog 200m, walk 200m, jog 100m, walk 200m, jog 100m. My time was 6 min 50 sec. I got the worst time by far. I rested for another 5 min and did the bike next. I burned 16 calories in my 1 minute. I was 2nd to worst. After another 5 minute break I climbed onto the rower. I was able to row the first 300 meters without too much pain but the last 200 meters were a KILLER! Everything hurt so bad I wanted to quit and just start crying. Megan came over and stood behind me and kept telling me to pull harder, use my hips, push off with my heels faster etc etc. She was encouraging me to finish strong. The pain my muscles felt was incredible. I finished in 2min 58 seconds. I wanted to collapse and die. Lungs, legs, arms, everything burned and hurt. After collecting myself I rolled out my muscles on a foam roller and went home.
It was by far the hardest thing I've done to date at CrossFit. Although my times are far behind everyone else, I'm just happy I'm able to complete the tasks given to me. That in and of itself is very rewarding.
What I ate:
Breakfast~2 eggs, 2 turkey sausages
post workout snack~1 apple, 2 TBS almond butter
Lunch~1/2 avocado, 1/2 can of albacore tuna, 1 hard boiled egg mashed together w/ a little salt and pepper
Dinner~Paleo sloppy joe stuffed peppers and sweet potato fries
snack~2 squares dark choc with blueberries
Thursday, March 28, 2013
My 2nd CrossFit bootcamp workout......
Well I must say my 2nd workout was MUCH better than my 1st. I didn't puke. I didn't cry. I actually finished my entire workout. woohoo! Last night we started off with more squats. Then we squatted again. Then we squatted all the way down....to where your rear is just a fraction of an inch above the ground. I can't personally go that far down because of all the excess fat on my stomach and thighs, but I did the best I could. We held this squat for 3 or 4 minutes while Derek was yapping about the importance of squats. I couldn't hold it.....I kept standing back up to rub my burning ham hocks. He eventually had me hold onto a support beam while I was in a deep squat to help me from falling over. He told us that we need to practice deep squats at home for about 5 minutes a day...basically sitting in a squat for a solid 5 minutes without standing up. Good grief! He told me to start off just doing 60 seconds at a time and holding onto a doorknob to keep from falling over and to slowing extend my time as I got better at it and then to eventually not hold onto anything.
After panting from our squats we moved onto dead lifts. Of course these involve squats as well. We practiced using metal pipes that will eventually have weights added to them. We did several of these as Derek watched our form. I love that all the CrossFit instructors are really big on form. That really sets my mind at ease. I don't want to get injured by doing these moves wrong and I feel better knowing they're watching me and letting me know when I'm doing it wrong.
Next we move onto kettle bell dead lifts.....again......it includes squats. We do several of these we all can feel our thighs quivering from exhaustion. We follow up the kettle bell dead lifts with burpees, which I now see are slightly different than down and ups. I'm tired, all my muscles are quivering and I'm ready to go home. Derek lets us take a quick water break and then it's time to start our workout. Derek pulls me aside and lets me know that we'll be doing 4 rounds of 10 kettle bell dead lifts and 30 seconds of burpees, but that I can just do the kettle bells if I want. I tell him thanks, but am thinking, HELL NO! I came to CrossFit to push myself all the way and I'm not going to sit out on anything. Nope nope nope. I appreciate him trying to take it easy on me, but I need to prove to myself that I have the will to get through anything.
I got through all 4 rounds. I did a modified burpee, and could only do about 5 each 30 second round, but at least I tried and I gave it my all. Afterwards we were all dripping with sweat and were panting like dogs. It felt great!!!!! We talked more about nutrition and went into depth on Paleo eating. I stood there listening and just felt at peace. As if I finally found what I've always been looking for. This is where I want to be, these people are the type of people I want in my life, and my life is never going to be the same from this point on. If I had the energy and the capability I would've done cartwheels all the way home.
I go again today for my 3rd bootcamp workout of the week. I'll get 3 days off to rest and enjoy Easter with my family before we start up again.
What I ate yesterday:
Breakfast~2 eggs, 2 slices of bacon, 1 cup fresh pineapple, 1 cup of coffee
snack~handful of organic unsulfered dehydrated apples
lunch~1/3 cup sweet potato, 4 oz of ground turkey
snack~green salad with 2 oz of leftover steak and homemade oil and vin dressing
dinner~7 oz ground turkey patty, large green salad w/ homemade dressing
snack~1 TBS almond butter and 1 square of 72% dark chocolate
After panting from our squats we moved onto dead lifts. Of course these involve squats as well. We practiced using metal pipes that will eventually have weights added to them. We did several of these as Derek watched our form. I love that all the CrossFit instructors are really big on form. That really sets my mind at ease. I don't want to get injured by doing these moves wrong and I feel better knowing they're watching me and letting me know when I'm doing it wrong.
Next we move onto kettle bell dead lifts.....again......it includes squats. We do several of these we all can feel our thighs quivering from exhaustion. We follow up the kettle bell dead lifts with burpees, which I now see are slightly different than down and ups. I'm tired, all my muscles are quivering and I'm ready to go home. Derek lets us take a quick water break and then it's time to start our workout. Derek pulls me aside and lets me know that we'll be doing 4 rounds of 10 kettle bell dead lifts and 30 seconds of burpees, but that I can just do the kettle bells if I want. I tell him thanks, but am thinking, HELL NO! I came to CrossFit to push myself all the way and I'm not going to sit out on anything. Nope nope nope. I appreciate him trying to take it easy on me, but I need to prove to myself that I have the will to get through anything.
I got through all 4 rounds. I did a modified burpee, and could only do about 5 each 30 second round, but at least I tried and I gave it my all. Afterwards we were all dripping with sweat and were panting like dogs. It felt great!!!!! We talked more about nutrition and went into depth on Paleo eating. I stood there listening and just felt at peace. As if I finally found what I've always been looking for. This is where I want to be, these people are the type of people I want in my life, and my life is never going to be the same from this point on. If I had the energy and the capability I would've done cartwheels all the way home.
I go again today for my 3rd bootcamp workout of the week. I'll get 3 days off to rest and enjoy Easter with my family before we start up again.
What I ate yesterday:
Breakfast~2 eggs, 2 slices of bacon, 1 cup fresh pineapple, 1 cup of coffee
snack~handful of organic unsulfered dehydrated apples
lunch~1/3 cup sweet potato, 4 oz of ground turkey
snack~green salad with 2 oz of leftover steak and homemade oil and vin dressing
dinner~7 oz ground turkey patty, large green salad w/ homemade dressing
snack~1 TBS almond butter and 1 square of 72% dark chocolate
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