Friday, April 19, 2013

Humiliated

This has been a very tough week.  Losing my grandmother and dealing with my weird flu like issues has taken it's toll on me emotionally.  I woke up last night to the worst stomach pain.  I just curled up in a ball and cried, it hurt so bad.  I wish I knew what was causing it.  I don't know if it's some weird stomach bug, or if there is something more serious going on. 

I woke up still feeling not quite "normal" but decided to head to CrossFit anyway.  After the warm up I could tell my endurance just wasn't there.  I had no more pep left.  I slowly made it through the skill set, trying to reserve as much energy as I had for the WOD.  We had three rounds 21, 15, 9 of dumbbell thrusters and 400 meters of either rowing or running. 

I grabbed the 15 lb dumbbells and did my 21 thrusters and realized that they were too heavy.  I could see all these small women using 25lbs and up, but unfortunately I'm just not there yet.  I set the dumbbells aside and climbed onto the rower.  I was able to bust out the 1st 400 meters without too much pain and found myself a lighter pair of dumbbells and did another 15 thrusters.  The second round of rowing was much harder.  I kept closing my eyes trying to focus on why I was there.  I thought about how I'm changing my life, and forcing myself to do something I've always wanted to do.  I was pouring sweat by the end of that round.  Round three, Megan found me and told me to do my last round of thrusters without taking any stops or breaks.  I was starting to get frustrated with myself because about half of the people in my class had already finished and were just standing around waiting for the rest of us.  I started to feel self conscious.  I finished my thrusters and reluctantly slinked over to the rower for one last 400 meter row.  About 100 meters in and everything in my brain told me to stop.  I was in too much pain, breathing was becoming difficult, my muscles couldn't pull anymore.............that's when Megan found me again.  She stood behind me and kept encouraging me to finish strong.  The last 50 meters I could feel the tears well up in my eyes and I tried to blink them back.  I finally finished my workout and I just sat on the rower, exhausted and I couldn't force back the tears any longer.  I just sat there and sobbed for a good two solid minutes.  So many emotions and thoughts were running through my head.  Why did I let myself get so out of shape, why couldn't I be better, or stronger, or anything other than what I was.  I felt so much self hate at that moment.  When I was finally able to stop the tears I turned around and realized the entire class was sitting there waiting for me to get off the effing rower so we could all do a cool down stretch together.

I could feel my face burn with humiliation.  Here I was on display for the class while I cried and they sat there waiting for me to finish.  Could I be any more of a freaking loser?!  I did my cool down stretches and bolted out of there.  I sat in my car and cried again.  I know I'm only in my 1st month at CrossFit but I'm so ready to be stronger.....mentally and physically. 

What I ate today:

Breakfast~bacon and eggs

post workout~small chocolate protein shake

Lunch~greek salad with chicken

Dinner~paleo chicken soup