Thursday, April 25, 2013

Denial

I called my sister the other day and was telling her how I had a crying meltdown at CrossFit.  She told me to go online and watch old seasons of The Biggest Loser.  She said that it might be helpful for me to see other people struggling with changing their lives and watch them cry and have break downs of their own.  I started watching Season 6 last night.  My sis was right, it was helpful.  It's so easy to lose perspective.  I go to CrossFit and I see 20 people who for the most part are in great shape.  Sure, the workouts are tough for them, but this world is something they know and are used to. 

I've never been athletic.  I started gaining weight at 8 years old.  I wanted to be in dance classes when I was young, but my family was fairly poor and couldn't afford for us kids to be in sports.  When I was in 5th grade they told me I could join soft ball.  I didn't want to.  I wasn't huge, but I was chunky and had no idea what I was doing.  I felt guilty to turn it down, so I joined.  I remember standing up to bat and refusing to swing the bat at the ball because if I hit the ball, I'd have to run around the bases.  I hated running.  Plus I could feel my extra flesh bounce when I ran and it made me extremely self conscious.  I swung the bat one time during the entire soft ball season and I vowed never EVER to do sports again. 

My mother was overweight while I was growing up.  I remember she would politely bow out of any sort of physical activity if she could.  She would never go swimming with us and going on hikes was far and few between.  I hated that she was fat.  I hated that because of her insecurity she was holding the rest of us back......but the truth was I hated myself and I projected that onto my mother. 

Over the last 11 years of having 3 kids the weight really started to pack on.  I knew I wasn't a small girl, but I didn't really think I was as big as I was.  I made sure I wasn't in pictures and if I had to be in one, I tried to hide behind other people or objects so people couldn't see all my ugliness. 

Last summer my sister rented a jet ski and wanted my husband and I and our 3 kids to join her in riding it for a few hours.  She insisted on taking a picture of me and my husband on it.  I tried to hold my head at a forgiving angle and tried my best to look as slim as possible.  I wasn't very successful.

 
I was mortified when she posted this on facebook and I immediately deleted it.  Who was that person!?!  No way could that be me!  I didn't feel that fat on the inside.  Then I looked at my handsome husband and felt an overwhelming sense of sadness.  My sweet Benjamin has never said one word about my weight problems.  Never.  As I looked at him I felt like I didn't deserve him.  He loved to be active.  Being outside gives him so much joy and I try my hardest never to go outside.  The last few years he stopped asking me if I wanted to go on a hike or go to the beach because he knew I'd say no.  Instead he'd just announce that he was going to take the kids on a hike and he'd be back later.  I'd be relieved. 
 
It's really only been the last 6 months or so where I've really been open about where I am in my life.  The truth is I hated it.  I want to love it.  I love my husband and children dearly but my weight ruins everything!  I don't like meeting new people, I don't like it being hot outside because I refuse to wear shorts or sleeveless shirts to stay cool.  Eating, cooking became my only sources of joy.  Four months ago I chose to give up flour and sugar and it was incredibly tough.  After sticking to it for a couple of months, CrossFit came into my life and for the first time in a very very long time......I feel hope.  Joy has started replacing the sadness.  I want to be a better wife to my deserving husband and a better mother to my three loving children.  I want to be a person that is full of happiness and life.  I don't want to just get by day to day, I want to THRIVE!
 
 
I only get to live this life once and I'm tired of wasting time.  This journey I'm on is so incredibly hard.  It's also quite scary for me.  I can't imagine life without being heavy.  I'm thrilled to see what I will look like as a fit adult woman.  I'm ready to change my life, one step at a time.  The mountain I have to climb is so big right now that it's quite daunting.  One day at a time, one meal at a time, one workout at a time.  This girl refuses to be in denial for even one more day.