Denial

I called my sister the other day and was telling her how I had a crying meltdown at CrossFit.  She told me to go online and watch old seasons of The Biggest Loser.  She said that it might be helpful for me to see other people struggling with changing their lives and watch them cry and have break downs of their own.  I started watching Season 6 last night.  My sis was right, it was helpful.  It's so easy to lose perspective.  I go to CrossFit and I see 20 people who for the most part are in great shape.  Sure, the workouts are tough for them, but this world is something they know and are used to. 

I've never been athletic.  I started gaining weight at 8 years old.  I wanted to be in dance classes when I was young, but my family was fairly poor and couldn't afford for us kids to be in sports.  When I was in 5th grade they told me I could join soft ball.  I didn't want to.  I wasn't huge, but I was chunky and had no idea what I was doing.  I felt guilty to turn it down, so I joined.  I remember standing up to bat and refusing to swing the bat at the ball because if I hit the ball, I'd have to run around the bases.  I hated running.  Plus I could feel my extra flesh bounce when I ran and it made me extremely self conscious.  I swung the bat one time during the entire soft ball season and I vowed never EVER to do sports again. 

My mother was overweight while I was growing up.  I remember she would politely bow out of any sort of physical activity if she could.  She would never go swimming with us and going on hikes was far and few between.  I hated that she was fat.  I hated that because of her insecurity she was holding the rest of us back......but the truth was I hated myself and I projected that onto my mother. 

Over the last 11 years of having 3 kids the weight really started to pack on.  I knew I wasn't a small girl, but I didn't really think I was as big as I was.  I made sure I wasn't in pictures and if I had to be in one, I tried to hide behind other people or objects so people couldn't see all my ugliness. 

Last summer my sister rented a jet ski and wanted my husband and I and our 3 kids to join her in riding it for a few hours.  She insisted on taking a picture of me and my husband on it.  I tried to hold my head at a forgiving angle and tried my best to look as slim as possible.  I wasn't very successful.

 

I was mortified when she posted this on facebook and I immediately deleted it.  Who was that person!?!  No way could that be me!  I didn't feel that fat on the inside.  Then I looked at my handsome husband and felt an overwhelming sense of sadness.  My sweet Benjamin has never said one word about my weight problems.  Never.  As I looked at him I felt like I didn't deserve him.  He loved to be active.  Being outside gives him so much joy and I try my hardest never to go outside.  The last few years he stopped asking me if I wanted to go on a hike or go to the beach because he knew I'd say no.  Instead he'd just announce that he was going to take the kids on a hike and he'd be back later.  I'd be relieved. 

 

It's really only been the last 6 months or so where I've really been open about where I am in my life.  The truth is I hated it.  I want to love it.  I love my husband and children dearly but my weight ruins everything!  I don't like meeting new people, I don't like it being hot outside because I refuse to wear shorts or sleeveless shirts to stay cool.  Eating, cooking became my only sources of joy.  Four months ago I chose to give up flour and sugar and it was incredibly tough.  After sticking to it for a couple of months, CrossFit came into my life and for the first time in a very very long time......I feel hope.  Joy has started replacing the sadness.  I want to be a better wife to my deserving husband and a better mother to my three loving children.  I want to be a person that is full of happiness and life.  I don't want to just get by day to day, I want to THRIVE!

 

 

I only get to live this life once and I'm tired of wasting time.  This journey I'm on is so incredibly hard.  It's also quite scary for me.  I can't imagine life without being heavy.  I'm thrilled to see what I will look like as a fit adult woman.  I'm ready to change my life, one step at a time.  The mountain I have to climb is so big right now that it's quite daunting.  One day at a time, one meal at a time, one workout at a time.  This girl refuses to be in denial for even one more day.  

I want my mommy!

My husband woke me up at 5am as he was leaving for work to let me know our daughter had a temp of 103.  Seriously?  I'm starting to wonder if she is licking the handles of grocery carts and door knobs, because I swear she's been getting sick nonstop for the past few months!!  Guess it's another day of crossfit at home. 

After I got my boys off to school, I took my daughter and ran to Walmart to get some fever meds and decided to see if they carried kettle bells.  They did!!  I bought a 15 lb bell and when I got home I went online and found a few at home crossfit type workouts to do at home. 

Todays warm up consisted of 3 rounds of:

25 jumping jacks

10 push ups

10 squats



My WOD was 5 rounds of :

10 right hand kettle bell snatches

10 left hand kettle bell snatches

10 right hand kettle bell swings

10 left hand kettle bell swings

10 sit ups

It took me about 14 minutes to finish.  I was sweating bullets by the 4th round.  It's a gorgeous day here, maybe after the older kids get home from school I can take a quick 1 or 2 mile walk while they keep an eye on their sister and do their homework. 

What I'm eating today:

Breakfast~ham and egg scramble

post workout snack~coconut milk protein shake

Lunch~large salad with pork tenderloin and homemade dressing

Dinner~homemade paleo spaghetti meat sauce over spaghetti squash and a side salad

evening snack~1 square of dark chocolate and a cup of tea

I'm totally digging the Endangered Species chocolate at the moment.

Caught in a pickle.....

I'm not quite sure what to do.  I was supposed to go to CrossFit at 9:30 this morning but I was up all night with my daughter who was throwing up.  She's staying home from school today, and I'll be doing laundry and cleaning up the after math.  I rescheduled my workout for tomorrow and then I guess I'll be working out the following day as well.   What an exhausting night!  Hopefully my daughter will take a long nap this afternoon, so I can maybe catch up on some much needed sleep.  I must say that I didn't want to make a paleo breakfast this morning, I wanted to have some sort of sweetened breakfast pastry or two or three and a sweetened latte.  Oh man that sounded so good!!  I'm starting to see that stress is defnitely a trigger for poor eating.  Instead I stayed the course and made some turkey sausages and eggs.  I'm hoping that tomorrow is a much better day and that I can send my daughter to school.  *yawn*  Time to go work on the laundry and cleaning the carpet.    sigh....................

Final bootcamp CrossFit workout.......

First off, I have to say that since starting Crossfit just a mere 10 days ago, I have lost 9 pounds.  I also can wear a shirt that I haven't been able to wear since I bought it over a year ago.  It's a cotton, spandex blend and every time I try it on, I look like I've been squeezed into in like a stuffed sausage.  I put it on today and not only did it fit comfortably, but it was a smidge too large.  Freaking amazing!!  Talk about quick results! 

I was super anxious to try the workout that kicked my behind 10 days ago.  I was feeling pretty confident that I'd be able to finish and not get sick.  We started off with several squats to warm us up and then Derek wrote on the board what our WOD was.  3 Rounds of 15-12-9 squats, push-ups, ring rows, and down and ups.  I was told to just do the modified, which was just 2 round of 12 and 9.  He started the clock and we were off.  The last couple down and ups were the only time I even stopped to catch my breath.  I finished and yelled TIME!  Derek just gave me a really suprised look.  He told me I did WAY WAY WAY better than he thought I was going to.  I did it in 4 min and 28 seconds.  Afterwards he told me that he knows I could've done the entire 3 rounds and you know what, I totally agree with him.  I felt good.  I still had energy to spare.  How is it possible for my body to change and adapt that quickly?!

Afterwards he went over membership options and we were free to either sign up and officially join, or to go home.  I went ahead and signed a 12 month contract for a membership that gives me 3 workouts a week.  I plan on going MWF at the 9:30am class.  It sounds like it has several other stay at home moms that come at that time.  I'd love to get to know some other women that have the same goals. 

I can't even put into words how happy and excited I am to really start this journey.  I feel like my life has real purpose.  I was talking to my mom after my workout and told her that the world had better watch out because I'm not only going to get in the best shape of my life, but I want to then become a coach/trainer to help others like myself.  Booya! I just feel like nothing can stop me.  I've been searching for a direction in which to live my life for years and years and I finally found it and NOTHING ......is going to stop me from reaching my goals. 

On another note, my family is doing much better and the husband and I get to get away for the night to celebrate our anniversary after all.  THANK YOU JESUS!  I will be checking in again after my 1st official CrossFit workout next Monday.  ♥

What I ate today:

Breakfast~green smoothie (spinach, strawberries, unsweetened vanilla almond milk, 1/2 scoop whey protein powder, chia seeds, stevia)

snack~handful of mixed nuts

Lunch~2 eggs, 2 turkey sausages, 1 oroblanco

preworkout snack~3oz of leftover steak and a small salad w/ homemade dressing

Dinner~2 eggs, the last of the turkey sausage, 1/2 diced avocado

snack~a cup of tea and 2 squares of dark chocolate

My 2nd CrossFit bootcamp workout......

Well I must say my 2nd workout was MUCH better than my 1st.  I didn't puke.  I didn't cry.  I actually finished my entire workout.  woohoo!  Last night we started off with more squats.  Then we squatted again.  Then we squatted all the way down....to where your rear is just a fraction of an inch above the ground.  I can't personally go that far down because of all the excess fat on my stomach and thighs, but I did the best I could.  We held this squat for 3 or 4 minutes while Derek was yapping about the importance of squats.  I couldn't hold it.....I kept standing back up to rub my burning ham hocks.  He eventually had me hold onto a support beam while I was in a deep squat to help me from falling over.  He told us that we need to practice deep squats at home for about 5 minutes a day...basically sitting in a squat for a solid 5 minutes without standing up.  Good grief!  He told me to start off just doing 60 seconds at a time and holding onto a doorknob to keep from falling over and to slowing extend my time as I got better at it and then to eventually not hold onto anything.

After panting from our squats we moved onto dead lifts.  Of course these involve squats as well.  We practiced using metal pipes that will eventually have weights added to them.  We did several of these as Derek watched our form.  I love that all the CrossFit instructors are really big on form.  That really sets my mind at ease.  I don't want to get injured by doing these moves wrong and I feel better knowing they're watching me and letting me know when I'm doing it wrong. 

Next we move onto kettle bell dead lifts.....again......it includes squats.  We do several of these we all can feel our thighs quivering from exhaustion.  We follow up the kettle bell dead lifts with burpees, which I now see are slightly different than down and ups.  I'm tired, all my muscles are quivering and I'm ready to go home. Derek lets us take a quick water break and then it's time to start our workout.  Derek pulls me aside and lets me know that we'll be doing 4 rounds of 10 kettle bell dead lifts and 30 seconds of burpees, but that I can just do the kettle bells if I want.  I tell him thanks, but am thinking, HELL NO!  I came to CrossFit to push myself all the way and I'm not going to sit out on anything.  Nope nope nope.  I appreciate him trying to take it easy on me, but I need to prove to myself that I have the will to get through anything. 

I got through all 4 rounds.  I did a modified burpee, and could only do about 5 each 30 second round, but at least I tried and I gave it my all.  Afterwards we were all dripping with sweat and were panting like dogs.  It felt great!!!!!  We talked more about nutrition and went into depth on Paleo eating.  I stood there listening and just felt at peace.  As if I finally found what I've always been looking for.  This is where I want to be, these people are the type of people I want in my life, and my life is never going to be the same from this point on.  If I had the energy and the capability I would've done cartwheels all the way home. 

I go again today for my 3rd bootcamp workout of the week.  I'll get 3 days off to rest and enjoy Easter with my family before we start up again. 

What I ate yesterday:
Breakfast~2 eggs, 2 slices of bacon, 1 cup fresh pineapple, 1 cup of coffee
snack~handful of organic unsulfered dehydrated apples
lunch~1/3 cup sweet potato, 4 oz of ground turkey
snack~green salad with 2 oz of leftover steak and homemade oil and vin dressing
dinner~7 oz ground turkey patty, large green salad w/ homemade dressing
snack~1 TBS almond butter and 1 square of 72% dark chocolate

Frightened Fatty Gets Her First Taste Of Crossfit

Frightened Fatty Starts Crossfit

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello world.  I'm a 33 year old wife and mother of 3 kids who is a fatty.  I have been overweight since I was 8 years old.  I didn't get to be "huge" until after I started having kids.  I'm super shy and being a bigger person, I tend to hide out in the background and lurk in the shadows.  It feels like a cliche to say I've tried every diet and exercise regime known to man, but it's true.  I found myself at the bottom of a very deep and very dark pit and I'm ready to do whatever it takes to climb out.


I was thinking a couple weeks ago about starting over.  If I could start my life over, knowing what I know today, what would I want to be.  I realized that more than anything I'd like to be an athlete.  Someone who can run a marathon, hike a mountain ridge, or bike through the wilderness.  I want to be strong, agile, lean, and fit.  As I daydreamed about this different life, I had a thought.  Maybe if I started to eat like an athlete, exercise like an athlete, and get the mindset of an athlete, that maybe I could slowly become one.  Once that thought entered my brain I couldn't get it out again.  It was like that tiny spark ignited my entire world.  I started looking online and found Crossfit.  Now those people were ATHLETES!! 



I found a local Crossift online and emailed them.  I explained that I was a 33 yr old mom who has approx 90 lbs to lose.  I was terrified, but wanted to know if they thought I could do crossfit even though I was incredibly out of shape.  They wrote back that day and told me that I absolutely could and to come in and get some more information.  I went in a few days later and talked to Megan.  She was super friendly, gave me a bunch of information and promised that all the exercises could be scaled down, so I could participate.  I went home and signed up that afternoon for Crossfit bootcamp.  It's a two week course, three classes per week. 


Two months ago I decided to give up all sugar and flour from my diet.  I ate meat, eggs, dairy, organic whole grains, beans, nuts, seeds, and lots of vegetables and fruit.  I lost about 12 lbs and felt really good.  It gave me more energy and I felt happier and more alive.  After researching all things Crossfit I saw that most of the athletes ate Paleo.  Paleo was similar to how I had been eating, except they cut out all grains, beans, legumes, and dairy.  I'm super thankful that I changed my diet when I did, because starting Crossfit AND having to change my eating would have been too overwhelming.  I went on pinterest and various other websites and have gathered a ton of yummy Paleo recipes to have in my arsenal. 


Last night was my first Crossfit bootcamp workout.  I was super nervous all day.  It was hard for me to even eat or drink because of how nervous I was.  After watching a gazillion youtube videos and reading countless blogs, I knew that whatever I was in for was going to rock my world.  I tried on my workout clothes and looked in the mirror.  I had on an oversized tshirt that matched my new Merrell shoes.  I had on my biggest, most comfortable pair of workout pants.  I deceided to try a few squats and realized quickly that these pants rode up my rear with each and every squat.  No matter what I did, I had a giant wedgie every time I stood back up.  Dang it!  So I decided to run to Walmart to see if I could find a better option.  I found a pair of Danskin yoga pants.  They passed the squat test, zero wedgies.  Unfortunately these pants were much tighter and clung to every inch of my ham hocks.  I went back to the mirror and turned around so my rear faced the mirror and I turned my head to see my backside in the reflection.  Oh it so wasn't pretty.  I realized that the back of my thighs were so big that they had a bulge on each one.  When standing with my feet together I could see my giant ass and then below it, it looked like a smaller ass as the two bulges were pressed together.  Great.  I got rid of the wedgie problem, but now I had a double ass. 


Crossfitcda (my Crossfit) is located downtown.  It's full of people.  Just parking my car and walking to the box ( that's the term they call it, instead of a gym) was humiliating.  I could feel my face burning with embarrassment as I waddled my way to the box.  Once inside I felt instant panic.  I saw tons of beautiful people.  Most were toned, tight, strong, and super sweaty.  Jonathan saw me looking lost and frightened and pulled me over to a table to sign a waiver form.  As we waited for all the other bootcampers to come in and get settled I tried my best to hide and not be seen.  Although it's kinda hard to do when I'm twice the size of every person in there.  Soon after, the bootcampers and I huddled around Jonathan as he told us about Crossfit and what to expect.  He talked about the food plan and I felt great because I was the only one already eating the approved foods.  One point for me!  Next thing I knew we were told to go on a little run.  RUN!!!!!!  This girl doesn't run!  This girl can walk, she can even speed walk, but RUN?!  We ran around the block.  Me and my two asses behind everyone else, desperately trying to keep up.  I ran the entire way except for the last 200 feet or so.  I tried to slink back into the box without being noticed but I was sucking in air so fast and hard I think everyone in or around that city block saw and heard me. 

Soon they started going over the appropriate way to do a squat.  We did squat after squat after squat, then they told us to do ten more.  My legs felt like they had been lit on fire.  Next we moved onto pushups.  Obviously I can't do regular pushups, but I can do a few girly ones.  After doing several we moved onto the rings.  I can't remember what they were called but you basically hold onto the rings, lean all the way back and pull yourself back up to a standing position using your back and some arm muscles.  Holy moly, my whole body feels like it's going to shut down.  Finally we cover burpees or what they call down and ups.  Again I was showed a modified down and up and I could barely do that.  At this time I'm thinking that class should be wrapping up and I'd be able to go home soon.  WRONG-O!  It's at this point when our instructor says, "Ok now it's time to start your workout".   Sheer panic spread throughout my body.  I wanted to grab my purse and run out of there, never to return.  He said he wanted us to do three rounds of the exercises we just learned, 15 of each, 12 of each, and the 9 of each.  He looked at me and said I could just do 12 of each and then 9 of each.  Oh lucky me.  He started his stopwatch and told us to start.  I tried to pace myself.  12 squats, done......12 girly push ups, done.....12 ring things, done.......4 down and ups and then I couldn't do anymore.  I just stood there panting like a dog and nausea hit me hard.  I ran for the bathroom and puked my guts out.  Then I cleaned myself up and just started to cry.  I felt like such a complete loser.  A moron.  An idiot.  Who did I think I was starting Crossfit when I was such a fatty.  Megan came in the bathroom and brought me a glass of water.  I wiped off the tears and rejoined my group.  Most had finished the workout and a few were busting out the last few exercises.  The instructors came over and patted me on the back and told me it was all going to be ok.  That before I knew it, I'd be stronger and leaner and I'd be able to knock that workout out of the water.  I wanted to punch each and every one of them in the face.  I hated myself for being such a failure.  As I left the box and drove home I bawled.  I cried the entire 15 minutes it took me to get home. 


After a good cry and talking with my husband I started to feel a little bit better.  This is going to be a hard journey for me.  It's going to be embarrassing and humbling.  I'm going to be the biggest and the least fit person there for a very long time, but it's going to get better.  I'm going to get stronger.  I'm going to lean up.  I'm going to succeed in my dream to become an athlete. 

What I ate today:

Breakfast~2 strips of bacon, 2 eggs cooked in coconut oil, and a cup of fresh pineapple.
Snack~ 1/2 of a peanut butter larabar
Lunch~6oz of ground turkey seasoned with onion, garlic, and salt and cooked in coconut oil in a pan, 1 cup of raw carrot sticks.
Dinner~ grilled steak, a salad with homemade olive oil and vinegar dressing, and steamed broccoli