Tuesday, October 7, 2014

First Crossfit workout after cancer

I met with Meagan today.  We did a 30 minute, one on one "class".  She wanted to see where I was physically.  I'll be doing several one on one classes until she feels I'm ready to rejoin the regular classes.  I was so nervous today.  I could hardly eat any lunch and I just wanted to crawl under the covers of my bed and not come back out. 

She had me start off on the airdyne bike to get the blood flowing.  I had the hardest time even getting my fat ass on the darn thing.  Literally took me 30 seconds of floundering before I was able to hoist myself up onto the seat.  As I warmed up, Meagan told me that we are going to be going at a very slow pace.  She's going to essentially be "babying" me, until I can work back up to more normal workouts. 

All I can say was what little I did today was very VERY hard for me.  My muscles felt so weak and my body felt so heavy.  Mentally I want to walk back in and just jump right in to where I left off.  That's just not going to happen.  It kills me, KILLS ME, to start back at the beginning.  I wasn't even able to finish the uber tiny WOD she created for me.  I felt to sick to my stomach I just couldn't finish.  I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to kick my feet and throw a tantrum.  My mind is SOO ready to be back but my body is no where near on the same page. 

Finding myself at the beginning again is almost more than I can take. I feel like I shouldn't have fallen so far back down the ladder.  Somehow I should've been able to keep up with everything.  I know deep down that's insane.  I had cancer, I was on a chemo that ravished my body, and yet I feel like I somehow failed.  I can only hope that with each class I attend, that it'll get better and better. 
My best pal is doing bootcamp right now and I constantly tell her not to get discouraged, that this is all part of the process, blah blah blah.  I really need to heed my own advice.  Why is it so easy to give others grace and forgiveness but we are so hard on ourselves? 
My next class is in 3 days.  My goal until is to eat as clean as possible, take my vitamins and drink lots of water.