Thursday, October 16, 2014

Private Coaching

Well I have had 3 private crossfit sessions under my belt.  Each one feels better than the last.  Meagan has been super patient as I fumble my way through the workouts she gives me.  I'm amazed at how the small mini workouts she gives me tired me out so easily. 

I realize that I have been not very forgiving of myself.  I want to be over the whole cancer crap but the truth is my body is still very weak from the chemo and it's going to take a while for me to bounce back physically.  I look in the mirror and all I see is a girl who got fatter while battling cancer.  Like somehow what happened to my body during the last 9 months is my fault.  I think other people view me in the same light.  Maybe if I had lost my hair then others and myself could see me as someone who is RECOVERING from cancer.  I'm not saying I wish I lost my hair, more like it's easy to just assume I'm fine because I don't look like I battled anything.  

I have three more one on one coaching classes and then I'm back in group classes.  The thought excites and terrifies me.  I wish I wasn't so afraid of what everyone thinks of me all the freaking time.  I HATE IT!  I want more than anything to not care what other's think of me.  Ever since I was a little girl my mother would make comments about me and my weight or my hair or my skin or whatever she thought was imperfect.  I remember walking into a store with her and she says to me, do you see all these people looking at you?  I replied, no.  She said, "they're not looking at you because you're pretty, it's because you have such a large behind.  They can't help but look.  You should really think about losing some weight".  It really wasn't until that moment that I really started feeling insecure with myself and started worrying about what other's were thinking about me.   The phrase "Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me" is about the biggest lie ever told!  I think words can cause some very deep wounds that can last decades or even a lifetime. 

The good news is that I'm feeling that fire start to grow.  The fire that I can change my life, I can be the person I've always wanted to be, I can get healthy and fit.  It's a tiny flame but with each workout and each day that I eat healthy I feel it slowly growing bigger and bigger.  I want to be a person who is full of joy and life, who takes risks and has fun, who isn't afraid of what people think of her and is an inspiration to those who feel stuck. 
I had my before pictures taken at the beginning of last week.  I'm going to take more three months from now and will post them to see what I've accomplished.  I'm eating super clean, mostly paleo and feel good.  I'm determined to go into this holiday season will fresh resolve to change my life once and for all.