Denial

I called my sister the other day and was telling her how I had a crying meltdown at CrossFit.  She told me to go online and watch old seasons of The Biggest Loser.  She said that it might be helpful for me to see other people struggling with changing their lives and watch them cry and have break downs of their own.  I started watching Season 6 last night.  My sis was right, it was helpful.  It's so easy to lose perspective.  I go to CrossFit and I see 20 people who for the most part are in great shape.  Sure, the workouts are tough for them, but this world is something they know and are used to. 

I've never been athletic.  I started gaining weight at 8 years old.  I wanted to be in dance classes when I was young, but my family was fairly poor and couldn't afford for us kids to be in sports.  When I was in 5th grade they told me I could join soft ball.  I didn't want to.  I wasn't huge, but I was chunky and had no idea what I was doing.  I felt guilty to turn it down, so I joined.  I remember standing up to bat and refusing to swing the bat at the ball because if I hit the ball, I'd have to run around the bases.  I hated running.  Plus I could feel my extra flesh bounce when I ran and it made me extremely self conscious.  I swung the bat one time during the entire soft ball season and I vowed never EVER to do sports again. 

My mother was overweight while I was growing up.  I remember she would politely bow out of any sort of physical activity if she could.  She would never go swimming with us and going on hikes was far and few between.  I hated that she was fat.  I hated that because of her insecurity she was holding the rest of us back......but the truth was I hated myself and I projected that onto my mother. 

Over the last 11 years of having 3 kids the weight really started to pack on.  I knew I wasn't a small girl, but I didn't really think I was as big as I was.  I made sure I wasn't in pictures and if I had to be in one, I tried to hide behind other people or objects so people couldn't see all my ugliness. 

Last summer my sister rented a jet ski and wanted my husband and I and our 3 kids to join her in riding it for a few hours.  She insisted on taking a picture of me and my husband on it.  I tried to hold my head at a forgiving angle and tried my best to look as slim as possible.  I wasn't very successful.

 

I was mortified when she posted this on facebook and I immediately deleted it.  Who was that person!?!  No way could that be me!  I didn't feel that fat on the inside.  Then I looked at my handsome husband and felt an overwhelming sense of sadness.  My sweet Benjamin has never said one word about my weight problems.  Never.  As I looked at him I felt like I didn't deserve him.  He loved to be active.  Being outside gives him so much joy and I try my hardest never to go outside.  The last few years he stopped asking me if I wanted to go on a hike or go to the beach because he knew I'd say no.  Instead he'd just announce that he was going to take the kids on a hike and he'd be back later.  I'd be relieved. 

 

It's really only been the last 6 months or so where I've really been open about where I am in my life.  The truth is I hated it.  I want to love it.  I love my husband and children dearly but my weight ruins everything!  I don't like meeting new people, I don't like it being hot outside because I refuse to wear shorts or sleeveless shirts to stay cool.  Eating, cooking became my only sources of joy.  Four months ago I chose to give up flour and sugar and it was incredibly tough.  After sticking to it for a couple of months, CrossFit came into my life and for the first time in a very very long time......I feel hope.  Joy has started replacing the sadness.  I want to be a better wife to my deserving husband and a better mother to my three loving children.  I want to be a person that is full of happiness and life.  I don't want to just get by day to day, I want to THRIVE!

 

 

I only get to live this life once and I'm tired of wasting time.  This journey I'm on is so incredibly hard.  It's also quite scary for me.  I can't imagine life without being heavy.  I'm thrilled to see what I will look like as a fit adult woman.  I'm ready to change my life, one step at a time.  The mountain I have to climb is so big right now that it's quite daunting.  One day at a time, one meal at a time, one workout at a time.  This girl refuses to be in denial for even one more day.  

Final bootcamp CrossFit workout.......

First off, I have to say that since starting Crossfit just a mere 10 days ago, I have lost 9 pounds.  I also can wear a shirt that I haven't been able to wear since I bought it over a year ago.  It's a cotton, spandex blend and every time I try it on, I look like I've been squeezed into in like a stuffed sausage.  I put it on today and not only did it fit comfortably, but it was a smidge too large.  Freaking amazing!!  Talk about quick results! 

I was super anxious to try the workout that kicked my behind 10 days ago.  I was feeling pretty confident that I'd be able to finish and not get sick.  We started off with several squats to warm us up and then Derek wrote on the board what our WOD was.  3 Rounds of 15-12-9 squats, push-ups, ring rows, and down and ups.  I was told to just do the modified, which was just 2 round of 12 and 9.  He started the clock and we were off.  The last couple down and ups were the only time I even stopped to catch my breath.  I finished and yelled TIME!  Derek just gave me a really suprised look.  He told me I did WAY WAY WAY better than he thought I was going to.  I did it in 4 min and 28 seconds.  Afterwards he told me that he knows I could've done the entire 3 rounds and you know what, I totally agree with him.  I felt good.  I still had energy to spare.  How is it possible for my body to change and adapt that quickly?!

Afterwards he went over membership options and we were free to either sign up and officially join, or to go home.  I went ahead and signed a 12 month contract for a membership that gives me 3 workouts a week.  I plan on going MWF at the 9:30am class.  It sounds like it has several other stay at home moms that come at that time.  I'd love to get to know some other women that have the same goals. 

I can't even put into words how happy and excited I am to really start this journey.  I feel like my life has real purpose.  I was talking to my mom after my workout and told her that the world had better watch out because I'm not only going to get in the best shape of my life, but I want to then become a coach/trainer to help others like myself.  Booya! I just feel like nothing can stop me.  I've been searching for a direction in which to live my life for years and years and I finally found it and NOTHING ......is going to stop me from reaching my goals. 

On another note, my family is doing much better and the husband and I get to get away for the night to celebrate our anniversary after all.  THANK YOU JESUS!  I will be checking in again after my 1st official CrossFit workout next Monday.  ♥

What I ate today:

Breakfast~green smoothie (spinach, strawberries, unsweetened vanilla almond milk, 1/2 scoop whey protein powder, chia seeds, stevia)

snack~handful of mixed nuts

Lunch~2 eggs, 2 turkey sausages, 1 oroblanco

preworkout snack~3oz of leftover steak and a small salad w/ homemade dressing

Dinner~2 eggs, the last of the turkey sausage, 1/2 diced avocado

snack~a cup of tea and 2 squares of dark chocolate