Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Epic Meltdown

Today's WOD was labeled "Turrible"....in dedication to Charles Barkley.  Anyhoo, today's workout was indeed terrible. 

It was a total of 9 rounds. 

First round was 9 sets of dumbbell thrusters, followed by lunges to the other end of the gym, then 9 box jumps, and lastly bear crawls back to the beginning. 

2nd round was 8 sets, and so on and so forth.  We got 20 minutes to try and complete all 9 rounds.  Derek told our group (I was bunched with the two pregnant women) to start at 7 sets and go down to 1.  After just the first couple of rounds my heart rate was sky high and I was finding it hard to catch my breath.  By the time I finished my 5th round Derek asked me if I was feeling ok and I told him I was.  I mean, I was exhausted, but all in all I was fine.  I got down to the last round and the 20 minute mark was fast approaching.  Meagan encouraged me to finish my bear crawl back to the beginning and I barely did it.  At this point, my emotions just took over and I sat on my knees and just lost it.  All the emotion from the last few days with my husband and the emotion from pushing myself past any limit I thought I had, just came pouring out of me. 

I was so angry with myself.  I HATE CRYING SO FLIPPING MUCH!  Derek and Meagan pulled me outside so I could calm down.  Derek thought I was crying because I pushed myself too far.  It took a few minutes of me just explaining that it wasn't that.  I was just proud of myself for doing something I've never ever ever done before!  When things get hard, my entire life I've always quit.  Literally every single time.  For the first time in 33 years, I'm pushing myself despite how hard it is and I'm not quitting.  That's extremely emotional for me.  The girl who used to turn to cake or pasta when life got hard is now turning to working out and eating right.  I finally convinced him and he went back inside.  Meagan asked me how everything else in my life was going and I lost it again.  I explain the situation with my husband and how I blame myself for his actions.  I blame my fatness on him doing what he does.  She was very understanding and gave me some great advice.  I can't thank her enough.  This journey I'm on is hard.  I can't put into words just how hard it is. 

I drove home and just sobbed the entire time.  Once those floodgates were opened, it's hard to pull it back together.  I'm exhausted physically and mentally today.  I'm thankful that tomorrow I get a bit of a break and will be running instead of going to crossfit. 

I will make this lifestyle change.  I will become an athlete.  I will succeed, I don't care how hard it is.