I've mentioned before that I have a very active husband and for most of the past 11 years of marriage I have chosen not to be active with him. I told myself that this year I was going to do everything he did. If he goes hiking, I go hiking, if he goes to the beach to swim then......GASP......I will put on a swimming suit and go to the beach to swim. The beach is the hardest for me. I haven't worn just a swimming suit to the beach since I was in grade school. I'd wear shorts over my suit to hide my thighs or a shirt to hide my tummy. Anyway we went to the beach last weekend and as soon as we got our chairs and umbrella set up, I quickly took off my shirt and pants. I stood there on the beach in nothing but my swimming suit and sunglasses. I looked around to see if anyone was going blind from all my grossness.....but no one seemed to notice, let alone give two craps.
As time went on that day I saw several people who were in much worse shape than I was....and they all ran around in their swimming suits without a care in the world. A few even wore bikinis!!!!! They didn't seem to care, so why do I? The best part of the day was swimming with my kids. They were tickled pink that I got in the water with them. This is what life is all about! Spending time with the ones you love, not sitting on the beach, wearing pants and stressing over how fat you are. For some reason I've had it in my head that unless you are perfect at something, you don't even try it. Ever since I was a small child, that's how I've felt about life.
Long story short, I went to the beach several times this past week and each time I've taken off my shirt and pants and have tried my best to not let my fears and insecurities cloud my thinking. I still hate how I look, but this is who I am today and I'm working on changing what I don't like. So until I become a major babe, I'm going to strut my white flabby dimpled legs at the beach. ;)
I did go to crossfit today. Today was beyond hard. I can tell that I don't have my full strength back from being so sick. The smallest things just wear me out completely. We started off with junkyard dog. I was ready to quit after that. Our skill set was 4 rounds of various kettle bell exercises. Again, would've loved to have grabbed my keys and headed home afterwards. Our WOD was 3 rounds of running 400 meters and 15 over head squats with a weighted bar. I used a super light bar. This was my first time doing over head squats, so the movement for me was more important than the weight.
We stood up at the white board while Jonathan filled us in on what the WOD entailed. He then told us that we were going to do a "warm up" run before we started the WOD. What the heck?! Nononononono NO NO NOOOOOOOOO!!! I wanted to cry. Running is my enemy! So we all lined up outside and did our warm up 400 meter run. Oh my goodness. I was spent by the time I made it back inside. I was the last one in, as usual.
As they counted down the seconds until we started the WOD I just kept praying that I wouldn't get sick. I was starting to already feel slightly nauseous. I ran 400 meters the 1st round, then did 15 OHS (over head squats) and then Meagan and Jonathan both told me to just run 200 meters the last two rounds. My 2nd round was painful. I got the worst stitch in my side while running. UGH!! My 3rd round brought out the tears again. My eyes started to water and I could feel a cry-a-thon start to build. I bit the insides of my cheeks as hard as I could to stop myself from crying. I finished my 3rd round in 11 min 38 seconds. I believe I got the worst time and I was the only one (I believe) who modified the run. So yeah....once again......I'm in dead last. Oh well. At least I showed up, I tried my best, and I did everything they asked me to do.
My in-laws arrive tomorrow. My anxiety is building with each approaching day. I feel like I'm going to throw up just thinking about it. I'm praying that God gives me peace of mind while they are here and that this would be an enjoyable visit unlike every other visit that's ever occurred thus far.
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