At the beginning (photos)

Ok, so on March 25th I started my crossfit journey.  It's been 4 months now and so many things have changed.  My outlook on life is much better.  Overall I feel happier.  For the first time in, I don't know how long, I actually feel proud of what I'm doing.  Sometimes after I get out of the shower I look in the mirror and am still horrified at the reflection.  I'll look at myself trying to see any positive changes.  I don't find many.  There are times where I feel just as huge and when I started.  Sometimes I even let those negative thoughts pull me down and I start to doubt the whole process. 

Yesterday I pulled out some photos I took a few years ago.  When I started crossfit I was the same weight (within 3 lbs) and same exact clothing size as I was in the "before" photos.  When I looked at them and then looked at the picture I had my son take a few days ago, I could see a huge difference.  Anyway, without further ado, here are my before photos.

Here is the photo I took 4 days ago.

So I printed these pictures today and brought them in with me today to crossfit.  I wanted to show my trainers just how much my body has changed in the last 4 months.  They were shocked and super happy for me.  It's easy not to see it when the changes are gradual.  After I showed Meagan, she asked if, at my 6 month mark, would I be up for writing a bio/testimony for them to post on their blog and to put on their website for others to see along with pics from the beginning, 4 months in and then 6 months in.  She said a lot of people refuse to even consider crossfit because they're so out of shape and or heavy and that them reading my testimony and seeing my photos would be an inspiration to others who maybe are considering it, but are doubtful they will succeed.

I'm overwhelmed and honored that they'd even ask me!  The girl who had a complete and epic meltdown on Wednesday....they want her to inspire others!  I must say that them even asking me makes me want to make sure I keep my toes in line and work my hardest during these next two months.  I feel super motivated now.  =)

Today's workout was SO much better than Wednesday's.  We started off with line drills back and forth.  Then Derek showed us how to do dips on the Olympic rings.  I am neither light enough, nor strong enough to do them, so he had me practicing push-ups and planks.   Our WOD was 50 dips (he had me do 35 push ups) a 400 meter farmer walk, and 50 over head squats.  I carried 25 lb dumbbells in each hand as I walked 400 meters as fast as I could.  They didn't feel too bad at first, but by the time I was almost done, I was having a super hard time not letting the dumbbells drop.  I'm thrilled that I didn't stop and I didn't put down the bells until I got back inside the building.  My forearms were on FIRE!  I used about a 25lb pipe to do the over head squats.  Most people used weighted barbells.  Those squats were brutal, but I finished in 11 minutes and 26 seconds.  I felt great and was pumped!

Tomorrow I'll be doing a C25K run and Sunday I plan on being lazy lazy lazy.  Can't wait!  On a good note, hubby and I are working through our issues and he's going to get the help he needs.  He didn't cheat on me and never has, he just wasn't behaving as a married man ought to behave.  I'll leave it at that. 

I hope you all have a really relaxing and wonderful weekend.

I didn't wear any pants!

How is it Monday already?!  What a whirl wind of a week!!  I'm still not completely well.  I still have a lingering cough, but for the most part I'm feeling much better.  We've spent most of this past week outdoors.  It's been hot and sunny and really just perfect weather. 

I've mentioned before that I have a very active husband and for most of the past 11 years of marriage I have chosen not to be active with him.  I told myself that this year I was going to do everything he did.  If he goes hiking, I go hiking, if he goes to the beach to swim then......GASP......I will put on a swimming suit and go to the beach to swim.  The beach is the hardest for me.  I haven't worn just a swimming suit to the beach since I was in grade school.  I'd wear shorts over my suit to hide my thighs or a shirt to hide my tummy.  Anyway we went to the beach last weekend and as soon as we got our chairs and umbrella set up, I quickly took off my shirt and pants.  I stood there on the beach in nothing but my swimming suit and sunglasses.  I looked around to see if anyone was going blind from all my grossness.....but no one seemed to notice, let alone give two craps. 

As time went on that day I saw several people who were in much worse shape than I was....and they all ran around in their swimming suits without a care in the world.  A few even wore bikinis!!!!!   They didn't seem to care, so why do I?  The best part of the day was swimming with my kids.  They were tickled pink that I got in the water with them.  This is what life is all about!  Spending time with the ones you love, not sitting on the beach, wearing pants and stressing over how fat you are.  For some reason I've had it in my head that unless you are perfect at something, you don't even try it.  Ever since I was a small child, that's how I've felt about life. 

Long story short, I went to the beach several times this past week and each time I've taken off my shirt and pants and have tried my best to not let my fears and insecurities cloud my thinking.  I still hate how I look, but this is who I am today and I'm working on changing what I don't like.  So until I become a major babe, I'm going to strut my white flabby dimpled legs at the beach.  ;)

I did go to crossfit today.  Today was beyond hard.  I can tell that I don't have my full strength back from being so sick.  The smallest things just wear me out completely.  We started off with junkyard dog.  I was ready to quit after that.  Our skill set was 4 rounds of various kettle bell exercises.  Again, would've loved to have grabbed my keys and headed home afterwards.  Our WOD was 3 rounds of running 400 meters and 15 over head squats with a weighted bar.  I used a super light bar.  This was my first time doing over head squats, so the movement for me was more important than the weight. 

We stood up at the white board while Jonathan filled us in on what the WOD entailed.  He then told us that we were going to do a "warm up" run before we started the WOD.  What the heck?! Nononononono NO NO NOOOOOOOOO!!!  I wanted to cry.  Running is my enemy! So we all lined up outside and did our warm up 400 meter run.  Oh my goodness.  I was spent by the time I made it back inside.  I was the last one in, as usual. 

As they counted down the seconds until we started the WOD I just kept praying that I wouldn't get sick.  I was starting to already feel slightly nauseous.  I ran 400 meters the 1st round, then did 15 OHS (over head squats) and then Meagan and Jonathan both told me to just run 200 meters the last two rounds.  My 2nd round was painful.  I got the worst stitch in my side while running.  UGH!!  My 3rd round brought out the tears again.  My eyes started to water and I could feel a cry-a-thon start to build.  I bit the insides of my cheeks as hard as I could to stop myself from crying.  I finished my 3rd round in 11 min 38 seconds.  I believe I got the worst time and I was the only one (I believe) who modified the run.  So yeah....once again......I'm in dead last.  Oh well.  At least I showed up, I tried my best, and I did everything they asked me to do. 

My in-laws arrive tomorrow.  My anxiety is building with each approaching day.  I feel like I'm going to throw up just thinking about it.  I'm praying that God gives me peace of mind while they are here and that this would be an enjoyable visit unlike every other visit that's ever occurred thus far.